Chickens And Fire Extinguishers

SPOILER WARNING: Before Innocence. It's just a nice Buffy/Angel fluff story so it is set before the whole Joss'-Acid-Trip-Soul-Loss- Nonsense. In my world, Buffy and Angel can have sex without him losing his soul.
RATING: PG-14
CONTENT WARNING: Some sexual innuendo but nothing anyone who watches Buffy couldn't read.
SUMMARY: It's the sequel to "This is a Grocery Store, Angel." Buffy attempts to cook with disastrous results. Just another in the Fluff Series, as I have so nick-named it. Yes, it looks like it's going to be an entire series...god help us....
DISCLAIMER: I own Buffy and Angel, (okay, Buffy is my new goldfish and Angel is my new, you guessed it, angel fish, not the characters. I don't own the characters, I'm sad to say. Pathetic huh? I named my new fish after Buffy and Forever Knight characters. I have fish named Angel, Buffy, Spike, Drusilla, LaCroix, Nick, Vachon and Janette. I need a life, I know....)
NOTE: I'm making one change; at the end of the last story, I made it seem like Buffy was making pasta. I'm changing that for the reason that I am Italian and I don't know how anyone can screw up pasta, so it wouldn't work. Let's just say, if you mess up pasta in my family, you are disowned. :)

The vampire sat on the couch, a book in his right hand, and a fire extinguisher resting under the left. He was waiting while Buffy was in the kitchen, attempting to make dinner, hence the need for the fire extinguisher. He kept his senses open for any indication of smoke or fire. "Angel, can you come in here?" Buffy called sweetly from the kitchen. The immortal rose to his feet, marked his page and readied the extinguisher, just in case.

"Yes?" he asked, popping his head into the doorway. Surprisingly, at least to him, the room was smoke free, at least for the time being. It was cluttered with boxes, pans and plates but it was not on fire, and for that he was quite thankful, since he was rather attached to his apartment and didn't particularly want it to burn to the ground.

"What's a 't'?" the slayer asked, holding a cookbook in her had as a confused look crossed her face. "It says to add a small case 't' of pepper but I have no clue how much that is. I was hoping you did."

"A what? Look, this a cooking thing, you're asking the wrong vampire." Angel replied. Buffy shrugged and added the pepper without knowing exactly how much to add. By the time she was done adding it she had added probably five teaspoons.

"Beloved, you know there is an Italian restaurant down the street, I hear it's supposed to be good. Why don't we go *out* to eat?" the vampire asked as delicately as possible. The last thing he really wanted to do was annoy or upset his slayer girlfriend.

"But we went grocery shopping! It would be really pointless to go out for dinner since we just bought all of this food." the slayer stated matter of factly as she added two more teaspoons of pepper for good measure. "There. That looks right. I guess. I hope. Let's see...now I have to cut carrots." Buffy said, turning to a rather large knife in front of her. Quickly Angel rushed between her and the knife, taking it in his hand.

"I'll do it." the vampire offered quickly. As he picked up the knife the slayer caught sight of the fire extinguisher in his hand. Her gaze quickly turned to a glare as she looked up at her vampire boyfriend with narrowed eyes, waiting for an explanation. He sighed softly, setting his very valued fire extinguisher on the table.

"Nice to see you have so much faith in me, Angel." Buffy said sarcastically with a roll of her eyes.

"Beloved, you know I have faith in you. You know I do. I would put my life in your hands, in fact, I have. You saved me from that whole thing with Dru, you know I trust you with my life. But as far as my kitchen goes, I don't trust you as far as I can throw you...." Angel's voice trailed off, his eyes lowered to the floor. "Nothing personal of course." he added.

"Yeah, I'm sure. You're so sure that I'm going to set your kitchen on fire you probably have the fire department on hold! I can't believe this!" the slayer shrieked in annoyance and anger. "I can cook!" Buffy yelled, just a little bit defensive. "How hard can it be?"

"'How hard can it be'; those are famous last words, Buffy." the immortal quietly reminded her. Buffy looked even more angry, causing Angel to wish he hadn't said anything. "Beloved, calm down. I know you can do anything you put your mind to...I just like to plan for the worst case scenario. That's just how I am. Now, why don't we get to work on this? I'll cut your carrots for you." Angel replied calmly, hoping that by having him operate the knife he would minimize the odds that she would somehow be the victim of a kitchen accident.

"Fine. You do that." Buffy replied coldly, still quite angry as she crossed her hands over her chest. Angel sighed, put the knife down and approached her. He put his arms around her slowly and placed a kiss on her lips.

"I'm sorry for not having enough faith in you." he whispered before placing another welcomed kiss on her lips. "Am I forgiven?" he asked before giving her one more kiss.

"I don't know. I suppose you are, but I would like to remind you to have a little more faith in me, all right?" Buffy asked, Angel gave a quick nod of his head in agreement. "Good. Now you can cut the carrots, I'm going to pre-heat the oven." the slayer stated.

"Um...what are you making anyway?" the vampire inquired as he picked up the knife once again from the counter where he'd left it, preparing to slice into the vegetables.

"Homemade vegetable soup and chicken." Buffy replied with a proud grin as she adjusted the knob of Angel's gas oven.

"Soup? Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they have caned soup where all you have to do is add water?" the vampire asked as he sliced into the first carrot quickly, chopping it with a skill Buffy was a little surprised that he had. "I think I've seen commercials for that before."

"Yes, they have canned soup. There was a whole aisle of it at the grocery store, but I guess you missed that because you were too busy looking at the Anne Rice books in the paperback and magazine aisle. But anyway, what is the fun in that? Besides, those aren't nearly as good as homemade. My mom used to make me homemade soup sometimes and...and where did you learn to do that?!" Buffy asked as the vampire finished slicing through his fourth carrot in record time.

"I'm just generally handy with a knife. I used to chop potatoes a lot, being Irish and all, and I suppose it's like riding a bicycle in that you never forget. But I guess I really wouldn't know if that analogy holds up, since I've never ridden a bicycle before...." Angel trailed off, realizing that he would probably start babbling about how in the old days they didn't have bikes like they do today....

"Oh. Well, I guess you'll be handy to have around while I cook then. Okay, well, chicken...." she said, making her way to the refrigerator. She reached in and pulled out the quite large wrapped bird. Angel eyed it as she set it onto the table.

"Buffy, did you have to get the biggest chicken you could find?" Angel asked, glancing from the oversized bird to the petite slayer.

"Why not?" she asked with a shrug of her shoulders.

"There's only two of us eating so we're going to have leftovers into the next decade. Look at that thing, it's like a chicken on steroids. It's huge! It looks like what would have happened to chickens if they were exposed to radiation. It's a Chernobyl chicken. It could eat Tokyo." Buffy gave him a short glare, encouraging him to finish up or get to the point, "We should be serving it for Thanksgiving dinner." the vampire stated rather sarcastically, the slayer merely rolled her eyes in the direction of her preternatural boyfriend.

"First of all, you serve turkey on Thanksgiving, not chicken. And second, you're still in the doghouse for the whole fire extinguisher thing, so you had better *not* make any comment about my chicken. I like my chicken, it's a perfectly good chicken and I'm going to cook it. If you don't like it, tough." the slayer stated firmly, placing her hands on her hips as her gaze stayed level with his.

"Fine. I won't say anything. It's a wonderful chicken. The picture of chicken perfection." Angel replied with a slight smile.

"Thank you. Now that you're done with the carrots you can do the onion." the slayer stated, Angel nodded and followed her orders by slicing up the that was sitting on the counter. As he sliced, the Chosen One unwrapped her chicken and put it in a pan. Once she finished with that, she put the pan in the oven and sighed with contentment and pride over her job well done.

"I finished the onions." Angel sniffled. The slayer glanced up to see tears in his eyes. Instantly, she cracked up, erupting into peals of laughter upon seeing the vampire reduced to tears by simply chopping an onion. "This is not funny." Angel growled quietly, causing the slayer to laugh even more. "Fine, chop your own damn onions!" he stated, about to walk out of the room. The giggling girl stopped him by grabbing his arm to restrain him.

"I'm sorry, Angel. It's just...well, I've never figured I'd see a vampire crying over chopping onions. It's really funny imagery if you think about it. I won't laugh anymore, I promise. Come back." she said, giving him a sweet smile that always managed to reduce his resistance to dust. He returned, allowing her to place a kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry for laughing at you." she stated, he forgave her with another kiss.

The vampire and the slayer continued their work in the kitchen; he chopped up more vegetables while the slayer added them along with some other ingredients to the soup. Finally they finished chopping and adding. "Now what?" the vampire asked as he set his knife down.

"Now we let the soup simmer and the chicken cook. You see, it wasn't very hard. We're done and the kitchen is still standing, without a burn or anything, so I think you owe me an apology for that whole fire extinguisher business." Buffy replied firmly.

"I already apologized. Besides, it's not done yet. It still has to cook. There could still be a need for it yet." the vampire responded as he walked out of the room. Buffy groaned as she followed him to the living room.

"You are such a man! You won't admit that you're wrong and that I actually did a good job." Buffy stated quickly, just a little bit annoyed with her boyfriend. "You're such a...pessimist!" she finished once she found the right word to accurately describe her vampire lover.

"As I told you, someone has to be the pessimist. Look, you did a good job, but I'm just saying that you're counting your chickens, pardon the pun, before they are hatched. It's not finished yet, that chicken still has to cook for..." he stopped, not knowing how long the chicken had to cook for.

"One hour." Buffy interjected.

"One hour? Really?" Angel asked, a little confused that the massive bird would be able to cook in the span of an hour. But he decided not to question, based on the fact that he wasn't much of a cooking authority. "So, when your dinner comes out finished, then and only then will I concede that I was wrong for bringing out the fire extinguisher. Until then, I'm keeping that thing within a ten foot radius, just in case." he said while flopping down casually on the couch.

"Fine. I have an hour until you're proven wrong. I can live with that." Buffy answered as she sat down beside him. Just as she was about to open her mouth to say something else, probably about Angel being wrong about her cooking skills, she was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing. She groaned loudly with annoyance, "it's probably just a phone solicitor, the bastards. Let your machine get it."

"I don't have an answering machine." the vampire replied, this got a shocked expression from his slayer girlfriend. She knew that Angel didn't have a microwave, but not having an answering machine...why that was practically unheard of in the modern world. She wondered how her boyfriend could still be living in the Middle Ages.

While the gears of her mind began turning on the topic of answering machines, the vampire grabbed the phone on the third ring. "Hello?" he asked, Buffy had been correct, it was a phone solicitor, attempting to sell long distance phone cards or something to that extent. "Don't you people have shame?" he asked before hanging up while letting out an annoyed sigh.

"Honey, you have got to get an answering machine." Buffy said firmly.

"Why?" the vampire asked.

"Well, I think we just witnessed a case where having an answering machine would have been good. Besides, you could totally use one for when people call while you're sleeping." she stated. "That way you don't have to wake up to answer the phone."

"You and Giles are the only people that call me during the day." Angel countered, Buffy shrugged off his comment with a movement of her shoulders.

"I'm going to buy you an answering machine. That's what we should do; we should go to the mall and get you an answering machine. Consider it an early birthday present." the slayer's eyes grew large and bright at the prospect of going to the mall and shopping.

"My birthday was last month." Angel interjected, hoping to deter her from taking him on another shopping trip. The grocery store earlier that evening was bad enough, he was unsure if he was up for a trip to the mall so soon after.

"It was last month and you didn't tell me?! Hmm, well I guess once someone gets as old as you birthdays really don't mean much." Angel nodded his head in agreement, "Well, fine, we'll consider it a belated birthday gift then."

"Wait a minute...how much does this have to do with an answering machine and how much does this have to do with going to the mall?"

"Angel! I am shocked and dismayed that you would...." she began but was silenced as Angel gave her a knowing glance, "Okay, fine, I want to pick up some shoes while I'm there, okay? But you really do need a machine, you can't deny that. It'll be fun, we can go shopping together."

"As much fun as going grocery shopping? I'll pass." the vampire responded.

"Angel, I swore to myself that I would never use this as a way to get what I want, but...if you loved me you would!" she stated like a child about to throw a temper tantrum.

"That was low." he answered. "Fine. We'll go to the mall and we'll get an answering machine, just so you can get off my back about it. And while we're there we'll get you some shoes or whatever. But you owe me big for dragging me shopping twice during the span of two days." he said firmly, crossing his hands across his chest. Buffy smiled, leaned over and placed a passionate kiss on his lips.

"I'm sure I'll find some way to make it up to you." she whispered before kissing him once again.

An hour and several hundred kisses later, the vampire's and slayer's making out was interrupted by the loud buzzer coming from the oven, telling her that the chicken was done. They had been in the middle of a kiss when it had gone off, the couple broke away slowly upon hearing it. "Do you smell something burning?" Angel asked as he opened his eyes.

"Very funny, Angel." Buffy replied as she stood up, followed by the vampire.

"Beloved, I'm serious. I really do smell something burning. I'm not joking." Buffy sniffed the air, and it was undeniable, even to her, that something was in fact burning. Together, the couple ran to the kitchen to see what had become of their dinner.

The soup was boiling over and onto the tiles on the floor while there was smoke coming from the oven. Buffy went for the oven while Angel went for the soup. He quickly turned off the stove as quickly as possible to keep any more soup from boiling over and creating even more of a mess on the linoleum floor.

Buffy, while letting out a shriek, reached for a pair of oven mitts. She threw the oven door open and pulled out the chicken as fast as she could. The poultry was blackened, giving new meaning to the term "extra crispy." She turned off the oven and then looked at Angel.

"Honey, please don't take this the wrong way, but what in the hell did you do? How can that possibly be burned? I didn't expect that chicken to be cooked in an hour, let alone burned in one." Angel stated, inspecting the incinerated bird. "How did this happen?"

"Well, I wanted it to be done faster, and it said three hours, so I just increased the temperature three times. I thought that it would be done in an hour. And I guess I forgot to reduce heat on the soup when I let it simmer...." Buffy replied as she used a towel to clear the smoke out of the air. Angel just stared at her for a moment. "Okay, fine, just say it; I'm a moron!"

"I would never say that. But that was a little...well, this wasn't your finest moment, Beloved." Angel replied with his patented charming lopsided smile.

"Well, you were right, you know." Buffy whispered with a slow shrug of her shoulders, "I can't cook." she pouted. Angel sighed and put his arm around her gently. He pressed his lips to her forehead and then kissed the tip of her nose.

"That's okay, Beloved. I can't either. Besides, I don't think that you're really going to need that skill in our relationship. It's not a necessity when living with a vampire, I don't think." he said quietly, she laid her head on his shoulder and let out a loud sigh. "You know, at least you didn't burn the kitchen down." she picked her head off his shoulder quickly and swatted at him, playfully hitting him in the stomach. "There, do you feel better?" he asked, seeing the small smile growing on her face.

"Yeah, I guess. By the way, I'm never cooking again!" she shouted, Angel pressed his fingers against her cheek to calm her down. "Well, let's clean this up and we can go to that Italian restaurant you mentioned." she said, her tone much more quiet and subdued; an effect of Angel's soft touch on her face.

"I think that would be best. Look on the bright side, at least there no casualties. Well, other than that chicken...." this got another playful swat from the vampire slayer. "And hey, it'll be a real date. When's the last time we had one of those?" Angel asked, determined to see the good side of the situation; the other good side besides the fact that he wouldn't be forced to eat Buffy's cooking. But he knew if he were to say that, he would probably get a stake, considering how sensitive she was about it.

"By the way, thanks for not rubbing this in." the slayer added.

"You made a mistake, we all make them, I would never rub it in. In case you haven't noticed, I'm the god of mistakes and screw ups. Take a look at my life, I guarantee I've messed up a lot more than a dinner. So don't feel bad." he answered as he brushed back a strand of her hair with his hand. "Look, I'll clean up here, why don't you go home and change into something nice and then meet me back here so we can go to dinner? You can take the Cadillac if you want to." he replied, taking the keys from his pocket and tossing them to her. Her eyes brightened as she caught the keys in her right hand.

"Really? I can take the Caddie? And you'll clean up this mess for me?" she asked, Angel nodded and smiled back at her.

"What are boyfriends for?" he asked, she kissed him passionately in response to his question. She then broke the kiss and went to the door.

"I'll be back in ten minutes!" Buffy called as she bounced out of the apartment and to the car parked in the parking lot outside of Angel's building. Once she was gone the vampire turned his head to the mess in the kitchen. He sighed softly as he picked up a towel to begin working to clean up the boiled over soup from the stove, counter and floor.

"Take your time, Beloved. I don't think I'll be done cleaning this in ten minutes--or ten years for that matter." he whispered to himself as he went to work on the messy kitchen.

The End