By Goddess Isa
SUMMARY: Doomed my way. Sort of. See, the Hellmouth is opening again and
it threatens to kill everyone, and Angel and Cordy come to help, 'cause, you
know, they're cool and they look really good in combat wear. And then stuff
happens and before you know it, they're playing I Never....
SPOILER: DOOMED, but not really. I mean, a little, but only in the general
idea, because Doomed hasn't even aired yet so to say this is a spoiler for it
is sort of lame, but in a way, it borrows from the idea and that's the reason
for the spoiler space.
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14 - I get a tad on the kinky side and I'm proud of it!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever
decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =) Thanks to MTV's shitty
show Undressed for laughs and all the great ideas, including the game itself.
DEDICATION: To the three Mountain Dews I had today that made me so hyper,
and to DRQ in Detroit because not only does their music rule, Eric played 'As
Long As You Love Me' just for me. ALSO this is for Sandee, who helps me more
than she'll ever know.
"Big, boomin' evil." Xander said as they drove towards the high school.
"We're sorta used to it by now, especially when the center of it is in our
library."
"I was in the library." Anya shrugged. "I didn't like it. It smelled of
books."
"Books do not smell in the way a piece of moldy cheese smells," Giles
began. "It--"
Buffy was quick to cut him off. "You like identifying the stink of a
book with the text on its pages. We get it. Will, you think you can bind
this thing?"
"What?" she didn't turn around and her eyes were focused deeply on the
back windows of the van.
"Willow, are you okay?"
"There's this car following us."
"Bloody brilliant," Spike said. "Gettin' demons all on our trail. Just
what we need."
"You shut up," Giles said. "What kind of car?"
"It's black, definitely expensive," Willow looked a little closer. "They
don't know I see them but I do. The windows are fully tinted, too."
"Vampires?" Buffy instantly felt on edge.
"Perhaps." Willow said. As the car got closer, she smirked. "But I don't
think the usual vampire has a picture of Ben Affleck as a front bumper
sticker."
Everyone looked at everyone and Buffy felt an odd pain in the pit of her
stomach.
When they arrived at the burnt-down high school, Buffy's stomach did
flip-flops at the possibility of Angel being behind them. Willow's did
flip-flops from being back at the high school she once loved. Xander's did
flip-flops because he was hungry.
"Shall we enter?" Giles said. "Time is--"
"Buffy'll catch up," Willow said, leading them into the blackened halls
of Sunnydale High.
The Slayer walked slowly over to the now parked car and waited patiently.
The door opened and Cordelia stepped out. A moment later, the driver's side
door opened and a figure wearing a heavy black cape stepped out.
"He doesn't like the sun," Cordy said with a grin. "Is Oz here?"
"Nova Scotia."
She scowled and went inside with the others.
Buffy touched the gloved hand of the man under the cape. "You came.
Angel, I--"
"There isn't time." he said, walking past her. She was amazed he could
see through the fabric. "We need to get inside."
She was going to follow him and then she heard the honking of a car.
And the yelling of a Southern voice.
And Riley sticking his head out Forest's car window.
"It's creepy," Willow said, taking Spike's cape and hanging it on what
used to be their coat rack. It was now just blackened metal.
"I know," Anya said. "There are so many great places to have sex here."
"I can't believe you brought him," Cordelia complained. "And you
*didn't* bring Oz!" she folded her arms and made a face.
"Are we crushing on the little werewolf?" Xander asked. Anya and Willow
both hit him, but for different reasons.
"I don't crush on anyone." Cordelia said flatly. "Crushes went out in
the 80s."
"And it's not like we didn't invite Oz," Willow said. "He left a few
months back, for LA, obviously," she shot Cordelia a glare. The fact that
she was screwing Spike didn't make the fact that Oz had left her okay. "And
the last we heard, they had a month long gig in Canada somewhere."
"Canada?! Buffy said he was in Nova Scotia!"
Giles looked at her but was too weighted down with Hellmouth shit to
bother with her. "Well, we must get to this binding spell at once. You can
already see the green globs brewing beneath the flooring."
Willow walked over to the broken up part of the floor and sure enough,
some slime-like substance was forming and it smelled.
"What can I do to help?" Angel asked as he entered.
Giles handed him a book and a candle. "Light it, and when I tell you,
read from the Maharii text."
"I can do that." Angel said quietly, walking into a corner where he could
be alone.
He'd seen Buffy outside with the dork, seen him kiss her, heard her
pretend to be happy with him.
He could tell this was just some sort of game, something to try and pass
the time. He didn't know *why* she had picked him. She could easily have
any guy she wanted and at least Xander would treat her well. Riley almost
seemed to baby her, what with commenting about her hair and warning her not
to go on missions alone. He wanted so badly to ask if Riley was her newly
instated Watcher, but he kept his mouth shut. He'd learned how to be mouthy
from Cordelia, but lucky for him, he'd kept his own knowledge of tact.
"Okay," Buffy entered with Riley at her heels. He was STILL picking at
something in her hair, driving Angel completely nuts.
"Buffy, good," Willow handed her and Riley each a candle. "I'm ready to
begin."
"We haven't much time," Giles said. "Everyone got their candles?"
"Yes," chorused from everyone but Xander and Anya, who were making Love
in the broken stacks.
"And they're lit?" Giles asked, being sure they were ready. Willow could
see the flickering of Xander and Anya's lit candles on the wall and wondered
what on Earth they were doing with them while they were screwing. When it
occurred to her that the candles could be props, she got sick to her stomach.
"All right," Giles said. "Everyone, begin."
No one knew what they were doing except for Willow. She and Spike stood
as close to the opening as Giles would allow. She didn't realize it, but he
went over and closed the library doors so no unexpected visitors could roam
inside and surprise them.
She chanted in Latin for a bit, and then glanced at Giles.
"NOW, Angel."
The vampire began reading the text of the book he held and the evil green
glop, which had started to bubble over the surface, was starting to turn to
dust. The more Angel talked, the dustier it became.
"On three, toss your candles in!" Willow shouted it, hoping the lovers up
above would hear her.
"One."
"Two."
"Three!"
They all hurled their white candles towards the ickiness, and two flame
sticks came flying from the stacks into the hole.
The floor closed back the way it was before the explosion, a large pile
of white dust a la The Faculty left as the only reminder of what was going to
rise.
"I'm glad *that's* over," Cordelia said, brushing her hands off, as
though she did so much. "It was nice, but I've got a date and it's dark now
so Angel will be fine." she went over to the door and was going to go through
them. "It's been fun and--ow!! Open, stupid door!"
She kicked it, but it didn't budge.
"Giles!" she whined.
"I didn't do it."
"You did shut them," Angel said. "I saw you."
Giles made a face and walked over to the doors. "I'm sure it's just
jammed, and..." he tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge.
"Don't tell me we're stuck here," Buffy said. The glum building was the
last place she wanted to be.
"We're not stuck here," Xander said as he and Anya came back down, fixing
their clothing as though no one knew what they were up to.
"Let's play I Never," Spike said.
"No way." Buffy, Anya, Xander and Willow all said.
"What's I Never?" Riley the idiot asked.
"No way." Willow repeated.
"Luv," Spike put an arm around her. "You promised. You said when we
were locked in somewhere you would play and not until."
"But we're not locked....we're.....stuck." she made a face.
"We're playing!" Spike began hopping around and clapping his hands like a
drunken idiot. "We're playing, we're playing!"
"What's I Never?" Riley the wuss asked again.
"It's a game I'm sure they don't play in Iowa." Angel remarked,
remembering that Willow said he was from Idaho.
"Idaho," he corrected. "I'm from Idaho. You know, like the potatoes?"
"I'm more a meat man myself," Angel glared at him.
"No bloodshed on my ruined library, please," Giles said, desperately
going through his book to find out what the problem with the spell could've
been that they were suddenly locked up.
"Let's just start the damn game," Anya said. "Unless you wanna try
having sex on
the--"
"I never had sex in a boat," Xander stated.
"Wait, wait," Willow opened her laptop. "We've gotta sit in a circle."
Reluctantly, the group formed a circle on either side of the Witch. She
sat with her computer in her lap, quickly putting together a graph of some
sort.
"This'll keep track of our points," she said. "So, Anya, one,"
"Hey!" the former demon protested.
"Did you ever have sex in a boat?" Willow asked.
"A gondola," Anya muttered.
"Anya, one," Willow said with a smirk. "Spike?"
"Unfortunately, no."
"Angel?"
"Anya's the only point holder here, Will." Xander hugged his girlfriend,
pretending to be proud.
"Your turn, Anya." Willow looked to her.
"I never Slayed a vampire."
Willow gave everyone in the room a point but Anya.
"I guess we'll just go in a circle," Cordelia said. "I've never slept
with a vampire."
Willow went ahead and gave Buffy, Angel and Spike points.
"Give me one too," Anya muttered.
"WHAT?" Xander asked. "I can't hear you."
"Give me one too." she snapped.
Willow obliged.
"I never bloody shagged a Slayer."
Willow gave everyone except for Angel and Xander a point. Then she
glanced at Buffy, who shook her head. She was pretty sure she hadn't slept
with Riley yet, but she had to be sure.
"I've never used the Good Lord's name in vain," Riley said seriously.
Willow automatically gave everyone a point and turned to Buffy.
"I never got a D on a test."
All eyes were on Xander.
"Cordy got a D too! Once! In third grade. We had to draw a picture of
a fly and she hated flies so she drew a butterfly instead and she got a D."
Willow just gave them the points and waited for Angel to go.
"I never forgot my first love."
Willow knew by the look on Giles' face that he, along with her and Buffy,
were also omitted from the point addition. The Watcher sighed.
"I never felt loved by my parents."
No one said a word. Willow doled out the points she knew were needed and
sighed. "I never wore guy's boxer shorts."
The guys groaned as Willow smirked.
"I've worn them too," Anya said.
"And I prefer to bloody go without, thank you." Spike yelled. "I never
killed a gypsy."
"Low blow, Spike." Buffy said.
"I never dated an insane, doll-collecting lunatic," Angel shot back.
"I never turned a nun!" Spike yelled.
"I never did it with Willow!"
The Witch furiously kept up with the scoring on this one, blushing when
she realized how many of the men in the room *had* shared her bed.
"I never shagged Buffy!"
"I never tried to kill Buffy!"
"You bloody did."
"I didn't have a soul."
"I never had a soul! So there."
"I don't get a point on that one!" Anya said. "I was soulless for years."
"I never pretended to like aiding the Slayer." Angel said icily.
"Point for me," Anya muttered.
"I never shagged Xander," Buffy said proudly. She felt bad that Willow
turned red all over but she *had* to jump in or those two were going to
bicker back and forth for the rest of the Millennium.
"I never milked a cow after noon!" Riley said proudly. "I always got up
an' did it 'fore Ma even woke up!"
"No points," Willow mumbled. They didn't get points because they'd never
milked cows *ever*, but that wasn't really the point.
"I never fantasized about Giles!" Buffy glared at her friends, and then
at Spike.
"Did I say I wanted to screw the bloke silly?" he demanded. "I think
not."
"No, you wrote it in your journal." Willow said.
Angel cracked up. "You keep a *journal*? YOU? William the Bloody?" he
was rolling with laughter.
"I never sucked anyone's blood," Willow said with a slight smirk. She
was also blushing. She happily added a point to both Spike and Angel's
graphs. Then she turned to Buffy and Giles. "You guys haven't, right?"
"No comment," Buffy said. Giles just looked at her.
"This is getting fun," Anya said. "I never wanted to see Oz naked."
"Hey!" Willow said.
"Sorry," Anya shrugged.
"So on your own there, Will." Xander said.
"Let's keep this up, mate," Spike said. "You can't get off that easy. I
never did two girls at once."
"I never opened my eyes while kissing Buffy."
"You KISSED him?" Riley demanded.
"I screwed his beautiful ass every which way." Buffy said. "Well," she
added after thinking a moment. "I never did it with a strap on, but I'd be
willing if he is."
Willow glanced at her watch. Not much time left.
"BUFFY!" Angel yelled. "How can you even--"
"I never wanted to screw anyone but Angel." she said, glaring at Riley.
"I never enjoyed a kiss from anyone but Riley."
"HEY!" Xander and Spike said, both offended.
"I never got the taste of Slayer out of my mouth," Spike commented.
"I never wanted to kiss Spike in the first place," Buffy shot back.
"I never dreamed I'd be hearing this." Angel was bewildered.
"I never wanted you to leave!" Buffy was in tears now, her breathing
ragged and forcing her to stop and cough every few minutes.
"I never wanted to lose you!! I never wanted to leave your bed!"
Riley instantly blessed himself and began praying.
"I never wanted you to go to Hell!! I never wanted to lie and tell you I
forgot everything that happened back in November! I remembered it all.
EVERYTHING. I remembered everything, Angel!"
"Why did you--"
"I never wanted to tell you. I thought you'd just find another reason to
blow me off and I couldn't take another rejection from you. I never got over
you leaving in May, Angel, and this was almost more than I could take."
He was beside her now, holding her, wiping away her tears as his own fell
rapidly.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Buffy. I know you know that. I never
wanted you to be miserable. I never took the time to think about how you
might really feel about being separated. I just kept thinking about
everything your mother said--"
"MY MOTHER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
"I never meant to let that slip," he turned away from her.
"WHAT DID MY MOTHER SAY? WHEN DID SHE SPEAK TO YOU?"
Willow counted the seconds down on her watch while Angel spilled the
story of Joyce's visit back in May.
Twenty, nineteen, eighteen......
"And you listened?" Buffy slapped him once. "I never thought you'd be so
stupid."
Seventeen....
"I never thought she would come, and when she did, it threw me for a
loop. I thought that I'd screwed up so much in my life, maybe just once, I
could do something right."
Sixteen.....
"I never thought you'd be so stupid."
Fifteen....
"I never thought you'd find out."
SLAP! "So you weren't going to tell me?"
"I never said that."
Thirteen....
SLAP! "What *did* you think? Were you thinking about *me* at all?"
"I never--"
"Say that again, and I swear to God Angel, I *will* stake you!"
Twelve, eleven.....
"Buffy, I never said--"
She began looking around for a stake.
"Dammit, Buffy, listen to me!" he yelled.
She kept looking. She debated about a pencil then tossed it away.
Nine, eight......
Angel grabbed her and made her look at him.
"Listen to me, Buffy. I want you, all right? I want you more than
anything. You can never know how much I think about you, how much I dream
about you--"
"He does," Cordelia said as she stopped to fix a snag before continuing
the touchup job on her French manicure. "All day long, it's Buffy this and
Buffy that. Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. UGH!" she stuck out her tongue. "Just
like Xander used to be, only Angel's not just about sex."
"It wasn't *only* about sex," Xander said defensively, his ego hurt.
"Let me kiss it and make it better?" Anya asked.
"Angel, just let me go. It's all--"
Three....
He pulled her up to him and kissed her intensely.
Two....
Riley began praying louder, shouting like a gospel singer might.
One.
And the world disappeared
"What the--" Xander asked. He and Anya were naked on top of the sand
dunes at the beach. Not only was there sand up his butt, but lots and lots
of people were applauding them. Willow pictured them in her mind and had a
good laugh.
*****
"Ah, Willow," Giles said as they sat on the couch in his living room.
"How did we get here?"
"How the bloody--"
Willow stuffed an apple in Spike's mouth and smirked at him tied to his
chair in Giles' living room.
"It's very simple, Giles. The locked doors and everything else was
staged."
"I beg you--"
"The green goo was ego slime. Had it attacked us, we would've been
extremely stuck up for a few hours, but we would've lived."
Spike spat the apple out and smiled triumphantly. "Ha! Did you think
you could--"
Giles was ready with a second apple, which he promptly shoved at his
fangs. "Why would you--"
"As we speak, my best friend is getting her boyfriend back."
"Willow--"
"You didn't live with her, Giles. You didn't see her cry all night
thinking I was asleep. You didn't see the page after page after page in her
diary that she filled up talking about him."
"I never knew how bad it had gotten."
"No, you didn't." she sat down with her diary to jot some things down.
"But everything's okay now."
"Where are the others?"
"Cordelia's in a mall in Nova Scotia."
"Why, exactly?"
"Well, Cordelia, mall." she made a face and Giles nodded, getting that
much of her plan. "And Oz is in Nova Scotia. When she leaves the mall,
she'll see the billboard for his concert and all will be right with the
world."
"And Xander and Anya would be where?"
"Naked on top of the dunes." she laughed.
Giles smirked. "And Riley?"
"Happily milkin' Bessie on his mama's farm."
Giles nodded and opened a book. "Good show."
*****
The lovers were completely spent by the time daylight threatened to
disturb their passionate rest, so the Witch arranged for a tarp to shield
them from the few windows left in the battered building. They laid there
together in the comfort of each other, a place where they would rest for all
eternity.