by Shirlz
Disclaimer: BtVS/Angel not mine
Rating: PG
Spoilers: End of S2/Beginning S3
Thanx: DB/SMG
Author’s Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, before BtVS was any more
than a gleam in JW’s eye – rereading it I thought it suited
Buffy’s mood after Angel went to Hell (with some editing)
This is Shirlz’ BtVS universe straight after the battle to
stop Angelus opening the portal to Hell
She’s sat on the steps of the mansion. A gentle breeze plays in the dark night. Her heart is as black and heavy as the imposing sky. No stars shine their magical light on her world. Darkness rules in his ebony robes. She wants to cry but she can’t; there’s nothing left to give. Inside of her the nagging, twisted feeling just builds.
As of tonight she has lost all control. She has ceased to live; purely existing on autopilot.
As she is sat there the breeze caresses her as he once did. Somewhere a radio whispers a love song; it’s tender words reminding her of his. The caresses she longs to feel again, the words she longs to hear.
He didn’t remember anything. He’d trusted her and she’d repaid him like this. She loved him. Despite everything she had never stopped, never given up hope. She’d spent long hours desperately searching for the switch that turned off those loving feelings but she never found it. In truth she knew that it never existed.
A tear finally escapes and begins to trace its path to freedom. No noise is uttered, her grieving is silent.
She wanted him to be the one and she knew now that even if she never saw him again there would be no one else. She’d clung to that dream through everything but now there was no chance of it becoming a reality. The dream had been shattered right her just a few short hours ago.
The night. It was her special time. It was when they could be together. Now it meant that she could be alone with her feelings. The others thought she was at home. There was no need to keep up the façade. She’d always loved the night, despite what evils the Hellmouth brought her. He was of the night. Now it would always remind her of him.
The image of them intertwined tries to enter her minds eye and, although she would not give up that exquisite moment, she tries to shut the image out. it is too painful to go there now.
The night is giving way to morning as the sky begins to tinge with pink and the lights begin to go off. The night closes one sleepy eye after another.
She wonders if she could have done anything differently. Would he still be here now if she had fought harder. Torturing herself with what ifs.
The night calls to her and it has his voice. The soothing velvety tones enticing her into its dark recesses. She wants to follow, to lose herself in its welcoming depths. The voice becomes more insistent. She has nothing to keep her here now. Again the voice calls, begging her to give in to temptation. She is decided. Leaving everything behind her, she walks into it’s open welcoming arms. The night embraces her. She is going home.