by Sandee
RATING: PG-13 (No! I didn't fall and get a concussion.)
DISCLAIMER: These characters are owned by Joss Whedon, WB and Mutant Enemy Productions. I'm only borrowing them and planned to return a bit happier, but unharmed. Please don't sue. I have less than nothing. In fact, I still
owe on my student loans! Actually, I'm behind in my student loans. If they
could Citibank would repossess my education.
SUMMARY: Angel/Buffy - Angst
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Please send feedback. I would greatly appreciate it and
live for it. It is the reason I write.
DEDICATION: To Cyn and Isa for knowing that I have other interests. Also to
chocolate. Without chocolate I could never survive the Angel/Buffy split.
Once in every blue moon they say it happens, true love. For me it was a
bright afternoon. She sat on the warm cement steps of her school, looking fragile
and insecure. Basking in the sunlight, sucking on a crimson lollipop. Her
destiny was about to be change into darkness forever. She was beautiful.
Energy and light radiated from her. If I had a heart it would have stopped
right then and there, but I don't and that's the problem.
Cursed, from the very start. Our first meeting her tiny frame full of strength, kicked me head over feet and my love has stayed that very same way. I landed with a thud, flat on my back, looking up into those sparkling emerald and topaz flecked eyes. Her soft hair was like a golden halo framing her angelic face. Her beauty surrounded me and I could barely breathe. Lucky for me that wasn't necessary either. All I could do was give her a feeble token of my caring, a simple silver cross.
She first graced my dark existence when she was just a teen, a child really.
People treated her as one, but she was much more and tried to break free of
the constraints. I even at one time was sucked into the disillusionment. I
made the mistake of thinking she was just an immature child. She was no
child. Her eyes said it all. They had seen too much and experienced much more
than any average adult. She had an old soul. One of those souls that radiates
energy and wisdom even without trying. It is the type of thing born into a
strong person. A survivor.
Many people misunderstood her. Many placed blame where there shouldn't be
any, mistreated and mistrusted, accused and scoffed at her. She never
deserved any of it and always rose above, head held high. She was genuine and
caring, loving and compassionate. She wore love and honesty like an armor,
unfortunately those things can't protect you from what bumps in the night.
I love her with everything I am. She blessed me by giving me more than she
could ever know. Physical and spiritual gifts. She redeemed me and put faith
and trust into someone completely unworthy of her exquisite soul. All I could
do was take. I had nothing to return that was worthy of her.
Kissing her was like tasting a warm summer day. Full of light, excitement,
and passion. I knew I shouldn't trespass on such beauty because it would be a
sin to squelch such light with darkness. I was drawn to her. I couldn't
resist the temptation. I am weak.
My weakness lead to one exceptional moment. Time felt as though it stopped
for us. I could no longer contain my emotions. They had welled up and were
about to spill out of me like a dam after a heavy rain.
Rain.
Rain was the backdrop for our moment. Bathing the earth, making it clean
again. I felt like her love was doing that for me. Washing away my most
unforgivable sins.
She told me she loved me. My nonexistent heart exploded with joy. Her gifts
to me that momentous night were the most precious any could give. Pure,
untainted and simple. She loved me and I her. We worshiped each other
spiritually and physically. Her body was like an alter where I worshiped and
paid penitence for the past wrongs.
Her spun gold hair made little ringlets around her soggy face. Her eyes
burned into my soul. She whispered to me, then demanded. I was lost in her.
Our lips brushed gently, quickly deepening. I wanted to absorb her radiant
essence, pulling it into my empty shell. She fills my soul without knowing
it.
We made love. Long, luxurious, passionate love. We took refuge in one
another. We wallowed in each other's happiness and sorrows. She gave me true
happiness. I tried desperately to pretend my unworthiness didn't matter, but
I failed.
My inadequacies surfaced and the hazy curse was broken. My hidden demons
emerged. I tormented my true love and became her worse enemy. I tried to
break and shatter her. I forgot who I was dealing with.
I have always been weak, but she is strong. The strongest person I have ever
met. Even when the absolute most imaginable happened to her, to us. She was
strong and prevailed. She ripped her own heart out with a single trust and
sent me to Hell where I belonged.
I have no idea why I was sent back. Just that I was.
Even shattered momentarily she glued the fragile pieces of her amazing heart
and forgave. Her depth amazes me to no ends. She took care of me. She nursed
me back to heath and loved me through everything. So, what was I to do? I
being weak left the one person who ever loved me unconditionally.
I told her she needed to walk in the sun, to have babies, a normal life. Not
his freak show I cursed her with. I told her to move on. I have never seen,
as much hurt in one person's eyes as I put in hers that moment. I took her
heart and attempted to shatter it for selfish reasons. I knew better than to
question her strength. I knew she loved me, but I did it anyway. I thought I
knew what was right, but I was wrong.
Very wrong.
I said she amazes me to no ends with her depth and forgiveness. Amazingly,
enough she did it again. I am so weak, but she over looked my stupidity and
failures. She forgave me. Again. Her heart is enormous and resilient. I will
never be worthy of the blond goddess that graces my unlife.
I lay here in bed looking at the tiny body, which encloses such a powerful
soul, nestled against my chest. Her long lashes, brushing slightly against
her rosy cheeks. Her chest softly rising and falling in slumberous peace and
contentment. I will never know what I did to deserve this miraculous being.
I thank God every moment for this wonderment called Buffy.
The End