Preternatural Love Triangles
(The Jerry Springer Crossover)
by Jenni W.
SPOILER WARNING: Ideally for this to work Buffy has not given up hope on Angel yet. It’s just a funny (and rather stupid) story I got inspired to do, it means nothing really. It’s full of meaningless banter, insults and fights. Just like Jerry Springer is usually.
RATING: PG-14
FEEDBACK: Sure. Tell me what I did wrong, or right, but no flames. Flame me and it will be used for my MST3K/Buffy crossover and I will humiliate you so much you will be in therapy for ten years. Be warned. ;)
CONTENT WARNING: Most of the bad things are beep-ed out but there is still some that is not good for little kids to read. In fact, while we’re on the subject, why would little kids watch a show about vampires and the undead anyway?
SUMMARY: My dad inspired me to do this one. On my way out the door to go to school he said, “You should do a Buffy/Jerry Springer crossover.” I got inspired by my favorite TV show (Buffy) and my favorite trash show (Jerry) So I wrote it a lot of it in study halls, rather than studying for my history tests, like I should have. If you have never seen Jerry Springer, imagine, if you will, the trashiest talk show on the planet full of fights, swearing, arguing, cross dressers, love triangles, more fights, cheating lovers, stripers, transsexuals and yet more physical brawls. I recommend watching it, it’s therapeutic. It makes you realize there are people out there more pathetic than you are. (at least it makes me realize that)
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Buffy, Angel (Angelus), Spike or Drusilla (I would like to own Angel though, or at least have a time-share kind of thing but oh well) but they’re the playthings of Joss. I don’t own Jerry Springer, since he’s a real person and all. The *beep* is in place of a swear word you can’t say on TV.
APOLOGIES: I apologize for this whole story. It’s not serious in any way (I know the characters probably wouldn’t act like this. It’s not based off of characters as much as it is Jerry guests with a few character mannerisms thrown into the mix) I also apologize for it’s stupidity. I think I should just stick to Mystery Slayer Theater after this.
THANKS: To El Niño for dumping a foot of snow and getting me the day off from school so I could finish this.
Fade in--
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show. Today--or tonight rather-- since our guests refused to come during the day--our guests claim to be involved in a preternatural love triangle. Meet Spike. Since being crippled in a fire, Spike says that his vampire sire, Angel, has been moving in on his girlfriend, Drusilla. (audience boos) Tell us about it, Spike.
Spike: Well, Jerry. Ever since Angel lost his soul again he’s been getting on my last bloody nerve. He’s been tryin’ to get with Dru and he’s been *beep*-ing with my authority. I’m the one in charge here and then *beep*-ing Angel comes in and ruins everything for everyone.
Jerry: What do you want to tell him, Spike?
Spike (sharply): To stay the bloody hell away from my girlfriend.
Jerry: Let’s meet Drusilla, Spike’s girlfriend. (audience applauds as Drusilla enters and sits beside Spike) Welcome, Drusilla.
Spike (to Drusilla, lovingly): Hello, Love.
Jerry: What do you want to say to her, Spike?
Spike (to Drusilla): You know I love you, Pet. But I just can’t take this bloody thing with Angel anymore. You gotta make a choice, Ducks, me or him.
Jerry: What do you have to say, Drusilla?
Drusilla: Miss Edith says that you’ve been too grouchy lately, Spike-y.
Jerry: Ugh...Miss Edith???
Spike (confused): Her doll. See, Angel drove her crazy. She’s as nutty as a fruitcake sometimes.
Drusilla: We’re one big happy family again....It makes me so happy --the sky is singing for us.
Jerry (quite confused at this point): Yes, ah, well--
Spike: And to top it all off, Angel’s girlfriend is the one that put me in this bloody chair.
Jerry: I see....So, he’s dating someone else too?
Spike: No. Back when Angel was all Dudley-Do-Right, he had a thing for the slayer.
Jerry: Spike, can you explain to our viewers what a slayer is?
Spike: She’s the one girl who has the power to kill us, yadda-yadda. She’s supposed to rid the world of demons or something. It’s kind of a long story.
Jerry: So, it’s fair to say she’s your worse enemy?
Spike: Yeah. Anyway, he’s not with her anymore. Now it’s just an obsession; killing her loved ones, torturing her, driving her insane. You know what I mean....
Jerry: No, but I’ll take your word for it, Spike. Let’s bring out Angel! (audience boos--until Angel flashes his game face and they are suddenly silenced. He hands Drusilla a single black rose and sits down at her other side.)
Spike (angrily): I should kill you for that.
Angel (with a sneer): Are you going to roll over my feet, Spike? Please!!
Spike: Just stay the *beep* away from my woman.
Angel: She was mine first.
Jerry: What do you mean by that, Angel?
Angel: Me and Dru were together years before I brought Spike over. Just remember, Spike, I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it too.
Spike (sarcastically): I’m shaking-- (Angel gets up, walks over to Spike and punches him, rather hard, in the jaw. A security guard approaches, grabs Angel. Angel turns and bites the security guard and kills him. Angel then drops the dead body at Spike’s feet--err --wheels)
Jerry: You killed my security guard!
Angel (with a growl): Don’t complain unless you want to be next, Talk Show Boy. (he turns his face back to normal and takes his seat again)
Jerry: Yes, Sir. Umm....Someone get that corpse off the stage, please. (another security guard cautiously approaches and quickly grabs the body and pulls it off stage)
Drusilla (puts her arm around Angel): My Angel....
Spike: Oh, bloody hell, Dru. How can you pick him over me?
Angel: Maybe because I know how to satisfy her, we both know you don’t.
Spike (abruptly): *Beep* you, Angel!
Angel (mockingly): You’re not my type, Spike. But Dru on the other hand....(Spike rolls over to Angel, while Angel is having a laughing fit, and in fact rolls over his toes) You *beep*-er, you *beep*-ing ran over my *beep*-ing toes.
Spike: Serves you right. (Angel stands up and punches Spike again. Two guards move in but back off after what happened the last time)
Drusilla: Angel, stop!
Angel: Sorry, Dru, but he had it coming. (Angel sits back down beside her and takes her hand in his)
Jerry: Ah, um....Angel. You’ve have a very interesting past. Would you care to share it with us?
Angel: Sure, Jerry. Well, I’m 242. My ex, Darla, brought me across. Spent a few years with her, you know, biting and sucking our way across Europe. But then I met Dru and it all changed.
Drusilla: My Angel killed everyone I loved; Mommy, Daddy---
Jerry (interrupting): That sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.
Angel (with a growl) I didn’t ask you to speak, Talk Show Boy. One more comment like that and I’ll rip your throat out with a spoon. And that can take quite a while and can be very painful if you get my drift. Are we clear?
Jerry (stuttering with fear): C-c-c-cry-crystal clear. Let’s move on, shall we?
Angel (a little more calmly): I think, for your health’s sake, that would be a good idea.
Jerry (also a little more calm now): So, you made Drusilla and a few years later you made Spike?
Angel: That covers it.
Jerry: Spike mentioned a soul. Tell us about that.
Angel: Eighty years ago I bit this gypsy bitch. Boom. Her stupid *beep*-ing family curses me with a soul. It really sucked, let me tell you. Spent eighty years of my life feeling guilty. Well, through a gigantic loop hole I lost my soul again and here I am.
Jerry: And you’ve been--what--making up for lost time?
Angel: Basically.
Spike: So why can’t you just concentrate on the slayer and leave my girlfriend alone?
Angel: What fun would that be?
Spike: You bastard! (Angel gets up to fight again, Drusilla grabs his arm and he sits back down in his seat, thanks to her persuasion.)
Drusilla: Rrrrrrr, down, Doggy.
Angel: Sorry, Dru.
Jerry: Drusilla, you’re here to make a choice of which guy you want to be with.
Drusilla: It’s so nice, the two of them fighting over me like that. It’s so lovely.
Jerry: Drusilla, you can’t keep stringing them along. You have to pick one.
Drusilla (looking from Angel to Spike and back to Angel again): My beautiful Angel of death. (she leans over and gives Angel a long passionate kiss)
Spike (shaking his head in disgust): I don’t *beep*-ing believe this, Dru.
Jerry: Well, another problem is now posed....
Angel (with a growl): If the words “unhealthy relationship” pass your lips you’re in BIG trouble, Talk Show Boy.
Jerry: Calm down, Angel. That’s not what I meant. I’d like you to meet Angel’s ex-girlfriend, Buffy. She lost the man she loves after he lost his soul. Now she wants him and his soul back with her.
Angel, Drusilla, and Spike: Ugh oh. (Buffy comes on stage and sits at Angel’s other side, the audience applauds)
Jerry: Welcome.
Buffy: Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: Now, you’re a slayer. Isn’t he supposed to be your enemy?
Buffy: He used to be different. Kind, gentle, loving---
Spike (interrupting): Wussy....
Buffy: Bite me, Wheelchair Boy!
Spike: Tempting.
Jerry: Spike, you seem to be on Angel’s side. Why is that, after he just stole your girlfriend?
Spike: Jerry, it’s our nature to hate the slayer. You can’t go against your bloody nature. She’s a common enemy to all three of us. We can put our personal feelings aside for the greater good.
Jerry: Which is killing the slayer?
Spike: You catch on quick.
Jerry: Buffy, can you tell us how Angel lost his soul?
Angel (with a snort of laughter): Yeah, Honey, tell him how all this happened....
Buffy (hastily): That’s beside the point! I’m not going to give up on him yet. I know the man I love is still in there, somewhere. I’ll find a way to get him his soul back.
Angel: Yeah, and on that day Spike will get out of his wheelchair and do a dance. It ain’t going to happen, Babe. Didn’t you just watch what happened?
Buffy: No, I was outside the studio. What’s going on?
Drusilla: Let me show you, slayer. (Drusilla stands up, placing a deep, passionate kiss on Angel. Buffy stands up automatically and shoves her away. Drusilla grabs Buffy’s hair, Buffy in turn grabs Drusilla’s hair with one hand and grabs her neck with the other. Angel and Spike exchange glances briefly.)
Spike: Do something before she rips Dru’s hair out. (Angel stands up and physically separates Drusilla from Buffy, since all the security guards are too scared to interfere.)
Angel: Sit down, both of you. (Drusilla whimpers in typical Dru fashion and sits down. Buffy, looking mighty pissed, sits down reluctantly) Jerry, I think security would be a good thing right about now.
Jerry: You just killed one of my security guards!
Angel: I promise not to kill any more of your security guards, all right? Now will you please make sure they don’t kill each other?!
Jerry: All right.
Angel (reaches over and strokes Drusilla’s hair lovingly): You okay, Dru? (Buffy stands up again, a security guard holds her back for a brief moment. Buffy kicks the guard, breaking away, and goes after Drusilla. Another guard attempts to keep Drusilla back as Buffy fights with two guards, yelling insults and obscenities while Angel and Spike look on. At the end of the commotion the two guards Buffy was fighting with hobble off stage, obviously in pain, and Drusilla drops the dead body of the security guard she was fighting with onto the floor)
Jerry: You said no more dead security guards!
Angel: Au contraire, I said *I* wouldn’t kill any more security guards. What Dru does is her business. I couldn’t have stopped her, even if I wanted to.
Drusilla: Fighting the slayer makes my stomach growl-y.
Angel: I think she means she worked up an appetite. Hey, congratulate us, this has to be the highest body count in Jerry Springer history. Do we get a plaque?
Spike: Are there any more guests? I’m kind of hungry now and white trash is looking pretty tasty to me right now.
Angel: Mmmm. Trailer trash has a great taste, doesn’t it? Kind of a mix of Budweiser and Marbs with just a hit of marijuana.
Jerry: Buffy, do you really believe you can have a relationship with Angel?
Buffy: Not like he is now, and certainly not while he’s with that *beep*-ing whore!
Angel and Spike : Hey! That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about!
Angel: She’s not your girlfriend anymore, Spike-y boy.
Spike: Well, I still don’t like people talking about her like that.
Jerry: Fair enough. Drusilla, what’s your take on all of this?
Drusilla: My Angel and I were perfect together. He used to buy me dolls and comb my hair...
.Buffy: Is that your idea of foreplay or something?
Spike: That’s something you seem to need a little schooling on from what I hear. (Buffy gets up to fight Spike, Angel grabs her by the wrist and forces her back into her chair)
Jerry: You’re pretty good at that; getting people back into their seats. We recently got a few openings for security guards....
Angel (not amused): Very funny.
Spike: Yeah, I’m rolling in the aisles, Mate.
Angel (with a wicked smile): Literally!
Spike: Oh, when I get out of this wheelchair--
Angel: By the time you get out of that wheelchair Hell will have already frozen over. It’s not likely to be any time soon, William.
Spike: Don’t call me that!!
Jerry (confused again): Um...William?
Angel: That’s his real name. He *hates* it when I call him that.
Spike: Jerry; you call me that again, Mate, and I’ll suck you dry.
Jerry: Um--um--let’s move on.
Spike: Damn right.
Jerry: Um--um--
Angel: I think now is when you bring out the next group of guests, Jerry.
Jerry: Right. Meet Sarah. She’s human and has been cheating on her mortal boyfriend with a vampire. (Sarah comes on stage, in midst of boos)
Angel (to Sarah): Is it anyone we know?
Jerry: So, tell us what’s going on.
Sarah: Well, my fiancee doesn’t know I’ve been cheating on him. But the fact my lover is a vampire--
Jerry: He’s probably going to be a little shocked.
Sarah: To say the least.
Jerry: Let’s bring out the fiancee, Matt. (Matt comes out, the audience applauds) Matt, you’ve been backstage and didn’t hear anything from the entire show. You don’t know why Sarah has asked you to come here. I’m going to let her talk to you.
Sarah: Well. Um...I’ve been having an affair for the past three months.
Matt: What!? How can you *beep*-ing do this to me!? You *beep*-ing *beep*-ing whore!!!!
Sarah: For the past three months I’ve been involved with a vampire.
Matt: Oh, yeah right. You’re *beep*-ing psycho, bitch. Vampires don’t exist! (Angel, Spike, and Drusilla break out into laughter)
Jerry: Let’s meet Sarah’s vampire lover, Ryan. (Ryan comes on, decked out on a black suit and a black cape. Matt runs at him, punching him. A fight ensues for about three minutes, punches, obscenities and insults are throw, all the while Angel, Spike and Drusilla are having laughing fits. The two security guards who still have pulses stop the fight and show them to their seats)
Spike and Angel: You’re not a vampire!!!
Ryan: I am so!!
Spike and Angel: Are not!
Angel: Let’s get a few things straight, Buddy. I’ve been a vampire for about 220 years now and I have never and would never wear such a stupid outfit. You look like an idiot.
Spike: As much as I hate Angel right now, I gotta agree with him on this one. You look like a bloody moron.
Ryan: I am a vampire, and I’ll prove it.
Buffy (with a snort of laughter): Oh, this should be good.
Jerry: We can test you. Angel, Spike...What would you suggest?
Spike: Stake in the heart. If he turns to dust he’s a vampire. (Ryan looks worried)
Angel: Vampires don’t breathe. Hold his head under water for an hour and see what happens. (Ryan looks REALLY worried)
Ryan: All right! I’m not a vampire, okay!?
Spike: I hate it when people lie, especially about their species. (Angel gets up and grabs Ryan by the neck and looks about ready to bite him) Hey! I haven’t even eaten yet. I want him. Besides, you owe me.
Angel: I owe you nothing.
Spike: You do. You took my girlfriend from me. The least you can bloody well do is give me something to eat.
.Angel: Oh, all right. (he moves to give Ryan to Spike, Buffy kicks Angel, making him release Ryan)
Buffy (sternly): Leave him alone! (Ryan runs away, followed by Sarah and then Matt)
Angel (with a laugh): Watching him run away was almost as fun as killing him would be.
Spike: But I’m still hungry, Mate.
Angel (with an eye-roll): Oh--bitch and moan, bitch and moan.
Jerry: Oh, great. My whole next segment just ran away.
Angel (with a growl): I’m not hearing a complaint out of you, am I, Jerry?!
Jerry: N-n-n-no.
Angel (with a sardonic grin): I didn’t think so.
Jerry: What am I going to do? I have no next segment and a lot of time to kill.
Buffy: Don’t say kill in front of the vampires, you’ll just encourage them.
Jerry: A lot of time to waste.
Angel: How about audience questions?
Jerry: Any objections, Spike?
Spike: Not as of right now. But I’m still hungry so I reserve the right to kill audience members who piss me off.
Jerry (takes his microphone over to a man in the audience): Do you have a question?
Man #1: Drusilla, you’re a very beautiful woman---
Angel (interrupting and growling): You’re treading on dangerous ground, my friend.
Spike: Bloody right.
Man #1: I’m not scared of you, you *beep*-ing *beep*-ing *beep*-ers!!
Spike (putting his game face on): You want to come done here and say that? I’m hungry. Let’s *beep*-ing go, Mate!
Jerry: Please, Spike, Angel, Drusilla, don’t eat my audience. (Spike returns his face to normal)
Angel: Then go to another question. (Jerry walks over to another member of the audience, a woman)
Woman #1: Angel, do you think you and Spike will ever be friends again?
Spike (crossing his arms): Not bloody likely to happen any time soon.
Angel: Even if I take you to eat a sorority house?
Spike: Well, that’d be a start. I think that may be a step. Do I get first choice?
Angel: Of course. It’ll be boys night out, it’ll be fun.
Drusilla: What about me, my Angel? Miss Edith and I get lonely all alone.
Angel (brushing her hair back lovingly): We’ll do something, just you and me, Dru. (Buffy gets up again and shoves Drusilla before she can react, pushing the chair backward. A security guards manages to convince Buffy to sit back in her seat while Drusilla recovers from falling backward) Why you don’t nail these chairs down, Jerry, I’ll never know.
Jerry: Throwing chairs equals ratings.
Buffy: Oh, good idea. (she picks up her chair and throws it in Drusilla’s general direction. It ends up hitting Angel in the chest)
Angel (with a snarl): You’ll pay for that, Slayer! (Angel picks up a chair and with all of his preternatural strength throws it at Buffy. She ducks and the chair ends up hitting a security guard, knocking him unconscious) Ooops.
Buffy: Missed me. Nener-nener-nener.
Jerry: Please! Sit down so we can continue with audience questions. (the stage crew gets Angel and Buffy new chairs so they continue) You have to admit, Buffy, that was a little childish.
Buffy: I’m only seventeen, ease off my back about it.
Jerry: Um, before we continue with audience questions. Drusilla, do you have anything to say? You’ve been very quiet considering....
Drusilla: The stars write his name in the sky--pretty lights.
Jerry (confused, yet again): Huh?
Angel: Just another psychotic Dru comment. Pay no attention. Go to another question.
Jerry: Okay.
Woman #2: Buffy, this is for you. Why, after everything, do you still want this guy?
Spike: Now that’s a good question.
Buffy: Because I know the real Angel is in there somewhere.
Angel: This is the real Angel. What you knew was a pale comparison. Let’s face it, I was dull when I had a soul. I mean, come on! If brooding was a profession I would have been in the *beep*-ing union!
Drusilla: Your boyfriend is dead. Buried with the worms and the maggots.
Angel: That’s a good way to put it.
Jerry: Thank you for sharing that visual with us, Drusilla.
Drusilla: You’re welcome, Jerry.
Jerry: The point is that you can’t make someone fall in love or stay in love with you. If the person you love doesn’t want to be with you then maybe it really isn’t love.
Angel: Are these Jerry’s ‘final thoughts?’
Drusilla: In more ways than one. (she rises to her feet and quickly grabs Jerry by the neck. She sinks her teeth into his neck, draining his blood)
Spike: Oh, Dru, don’t kill him. Imagine the consequences of killing him. Wow, I can’t believe I’m actually telling her *not* to kill someone.
Angel: I don’t want you to be responsible for the death of trash television.
Buffy: Don’t forget all the people who’s lives would be empty without the Jerry Springer show.
Spike: What are *we* going to do in the afternoon without Jerry?
Angel: Where else are we going to get our fill of trash-talking, transvestites, cheating lovers, hookers, strippers and fights? (she drops a still living Jerry to the ground)
Drusilla (indifferently): Okay. (she shrugs and walks back over to Angel)
Angel: Who’s going to close the show?
Buffy: I guess one of us has to, since the host is slipping into unconsciousness.
Spike: Take care of yourself, and each other!
Fade out--
The End
Authors Notes::
Let’s get a few things straight.