Preternatural Love Triangles 2

(The Update Show)

SPOILER WARNING: Preternatural Love Triangles and the killing of Ms. Calendar and Spike's ability to walk now. Also, forget about Oz. (I know it's hard) But for this to work Willow can't be involved with him. You'll see what I mean.
RATING: PG-14
FEEDBACK: Sure. Tell me what I did wrong, or right, but no flames. Flame me and it will be used for my MST3K/Buffy crossover and I will humiliate you so much you will be in therapy for ten years. Be warned.
CONTENT WARNING: Most of the bad things are beep-ed out but there is still some that is not good for little kids to read. In fact, while we're on the subject, why would little kids watch a show about vampires and the undead anyway?
SUMMARY: You know how sometimes Jerry has update shows? Well this is the update show for the last story, Preternatural Love Triangles (The Jerry Springer Crossover). If you haven't read it go to the web sight listed above because you have to read that one first.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy, Xander, Willow, Cordelia, Giles, Angel (Angelus), Spike or Drusilla (I would like to own Angel though, or at least have a time-share kind of thing but oh well) but they're the playthings of Joss. I don't own Jerry Springer, since he's a real person and all.
NOTES: This story is not, repeat IS NOT serious in any way (I know the characters probably wouldn’t act like this. It’s not based off of characters as much as it is Jerry guests with a few character mannerisms thrown into the mix) I'd like to thank Erana for proof- reading and helping my self esteem a little.
BY THE WAY: The *beep* is in place of a swear word you can't say on TV.

Fade in---

Jerry: Welcome to the show. We recently did a show entitled Preternatural Love Triangles, where we brought you the story of Spike, Drusilla, Buffy and Angel. On that show, Spike lost his girlfriend, Drusilla to Angel, and Buffy, who was here to get Angel back, lost him to Drusilla. You may also remember that at the end of that show I was viciously attacked and nearly killed. Well, this time I'm prepared. I have this (holds up a cross) so now I'm ready for anything. To tell us what's happened since, let's bring out Angel, Drusilla and Spike! (audience claps as Angel and Drusilla walk out and Spike rolls out)

Drusilla: Hello, Jerry...how's your pretty neck?

Jerry: It's all right now. Can you tell us what has happened since our last show?

Spike: Well, we were homeless, thanks to *beep*-ing Angel.

Jerry: Why is that?

Angel: That was not my fault! I didn't set the fire!

Spike: No, but you're the reason the bloody watcher set it and why we have one brassed off slayer.

Angel: Quit your bitching, Wheelchair Boy!

Jerry: Would someone like to explain what is going on to our audience?

Spike: Well, Angel here decided it would be *beep*-ing funny to play a little joke by killing one of the slayer's friends....

Angel (interrupting): Another gypsy bitch.

Spike: Well, the gypsy bitch's boyfriend, the watcher, got mighty pissed off and came and burned us out of house and home. We were living in the sewers like *beep*-ing rats!

Drusilla: I like rats...they're so cute....

Spike (ignoring her comment): But at least the slayer kicked Angel's ass.

Angel: Oh, *beep*-ing rub it in, why don't you?

Jerry: This would be the same slayer that came on the show to try and bring you back to the forces of good and get back together with you?

Angel: She's pretty much given up on that. Now she's just trying to kill me after what I did to her friend. But it's mutual so....

Jerry: What can you tell us about your relationship with Drusilla?

Angel: Well, that's been going pretty good.

Spike: Can we not talk about this?

Angel (with a smirk): Jealous?

Spike: Of *you*? Not bloody likely. In fact, I have a surprise for you. (Spike gets up from the wheelchair and walks over to Angel, punching him in the face, knocking him and the chair over. Angel gets up quickly and rushes at Spike, punching him in the head once. Three security guards intervene, who, by the way, are wearing rings of garlic around their necks. Eventually the guards get Spike and Angel back in their seats, due mostly to the smell of the garlic)

Jerry: Well, this is a surprise. You can walk now, Spike?

Spike: Yeah, and I intend on taking back what's mine.

Angel (with a snort of laughter): Yeah, whatever, Spike. Like to see you try. (Spike gets up once again, Angel gets up in preparation for a fight and throws a punch, hitting Spike. Spike gets another good hit off before the guards once again separate them)

Jerry: Calm down, you two. In the end this is Drusilla's decision. (the audience applauds) Fighting isn't going to change anything.

Spike: But it will make me feel better!

Angel (coldly): So, I guess this means you'll be giving up the handicap parking space now, huh, Spike? (Spike growls at Angel, Angel in turn growls at Spike)

Jerry: A growling match is no way to solve your problems.

Angel: He's right.

Spike: Yeah. A physical brawl is the way to solve our problems. (Spike and Angel get up and go at each other again, the security guards separate them in the midst of shouts and obscenities and eventually they get back in their seats)

Jerry (to change the subject): You said that now the slayer is out to kill you?

Angel: Yeah, me, Spike and Dru and every other vampire. What the *beep* else is new?

Jerry: Well, let's bring out Buffy! (Buffy walks out and instantly runs at Angel, attempting to fight him. Angel puts his game face on and moves at her, four security guards intervene, separating them before anything happens. The audience goes into it's 'Jerry! Jerry!' chant. Eventually the guards get Angel and Buffy into chairs, far apart)

Buffy: You're going to *beep*-ing pay for what you did!

Angel (rolling his eyes): Yeah, sure I am.

Jerry: Buffy, this is the man you used to love--

Buffy: Yeah, I did once. But now I'm going to *beep*-ing kill him!

Jerry: You can't threaten our guests, Buffy.

Buffy: Sorry, but you know what I mean.

Jerry: Indeed. Angel killed your friend, right?

Buffy: That's right. In cold blood he killed her and he's going to pay for it some day.

Angel: Hey! That sounded like a threat to me, Jerry!

Spike: Oh, bloody shut the *beep* up, Angel! Don't complain to the host about it. Christ. Be a man! (Angel, apparently taking Spike's advice to heart, stood up and went to attack Buffy, the security guards grab a hold of him and get him back in the seat without a real fight breaking out)

Jerry (to change the subject): Let's bring out Buffy's watcher, Rupert Giles. (Giles walks out and instantly goes for Angel. The security guards grab him before he can get to close to the vampire. Giles struggles but they still hold him)

Giles (in a rage): I'm going to *beep*-ing kill you, you *beep*-ing bastard!

Angel: Dream on, Giles. You tried once and you blew it.

Giles: I'll see you dead, you *beep*-ing....

Jerry: Hey! You can't threaten guests!

Giles: I'll see you die, Angel, I swear. I'll watch your *beep*-ing ashes blow in the wind!

Jerry: Get him out of here. (The two security guards holding Giles drag him off stage after much resistance)

Buffy: Well, you *beep*-ing killed his girlfriend, what did you expect him to do?

Angel: Well, I expected him to not go *beep*-ing postal on national television.

Jerry: The thing is we can't let guests menace other guests with death threats on national television, even if they deserve it.

Angel: What are you, Jerry? Judge and *beep*-ing jury?

Jerry: Are you saying this isn't true?

Angel: Well, no--but who are you to judge me, Talk Show Boy? What puts you in the position to *beep*-ing judge me?! (Jerry holds up his cross, Angel gets confused) What was that about?

Jerry: You looked angry, like you were going to attack me.

Angel: Well I wasn't. Jeez, you get bit once and now you're paranoid as all Hell.

Jerry: Once bitten, twice shy. Um, let's see, we have three more people to bring out. These are Buffy's friends, Xander, Willow and Cordelia. (The three come out and take their seats without incident) Welcome to the show. Why are you here?

Xander: To support our friend Buffy.

Angel (with a snort of laughter): Is that what they call it these days? Support? Oh, come on, Xander, you were always jealous because I had what you didn't. (Xander gets up and runs to fight Angel. The security guards intervene, separating the two of them before any real fighting)

Xander: You better shut your *beep*-ing mouth, Dead Boy!

Angel: Why don't you just stay over there and deal with your own love life and stay the *beep* out of mine.

Jerry: Did someone say 'love life?' That's our specialty! Tell us about it, Xander.

Xander: Well, I'm dating Cordelia.

Willow: The girl you used to *beep*-ing hate! (Everyone's a little shocked at Willow's outburst) You date a girl you hated and you couldn't even bring yourself to have any kind of feelings for me!

Jerry: This sounds interesting. Willow, you have feelings for him?

Willow: Jerry, I've been in love with him for years. (audience awws)

Cordelia: You had your *beep*-ing chance. You had a chance to have him, but you didn't take it and now he's mine. Deal with it!

Willow: Deal with what? The fact he's dating a *beep*-ing whore? (Cordelia gets up and runs at Willow. A cat fight with hair pulling, scratching and swearing breaks out. The guards managed to separate the two but only after they each get a handful of the other's hair)

Jerry: Xander, do you have feelings for Willow?

Angel: HEY! (everyone looks at him before Xander can answer the question) When did this become the "I Want Your Man" show?

Spike: Yeah, what about us over here?

Willow, Xander and Cordelia: Shut up! (The tones in their voices are so menacing the vampires slink down in their chairs slightly and fall silent)

Jerry: Xander, do you have feelings for Willow?

Xander: I--I--

Cordelia (interrupting): He's mine now! Deal with that, Bitch! (Cordelia and Willow start fighting again. Spike, Angel and Dru look on, watching all of the carnage unfolding. The security guards separate the girls while the crowd chants--"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!")

Willow: I'm so much better for you than this *beep*-ing slut is!

Cordelia: Who are you *beep*-ing calling a *beep*-ing slut, Slut!?

Jerry: Here we go again---

Willow: How can you EVEN call *me* a *beep*-ing slut, SLUT!?

(Angel, Spike and Drusilla stand up, interrupting the fight by their action)

Jerry: What's going on over there? Where are you three going?

Angel: We figure this is going to take a while so we're going to grab a quick bite to eat while they sort out their screwed up relationships.

Jerry: Does this mean you and Spike are friends again?

Spike: NO! It just means that I'd rather go eat than sit here and listen to all this *beep*! (the three vampires walk off the stage)

Jerry: Let's take a break--we'll be right back.

Fade out to commercial--

(after a Midol, a McDonald's, a Nike, and a songs of the Eighties CD collection commercial the show resumes)

Fade in--

Jerry: Welcome back. (Angel, Spike and Dru are back on the stage, there is blood dripping off their chins) I see you three found something to eat.

Angel: Try 'someone'.

Drusilla: Your assistant was delicious. She tasted of apricots....

Jerry: You ate my assistant!?

Spike: We were hungry.

Jerry: Where am I going to find another assistant who always has my clothes dry-cleaned, sorts all of my work into manageable piles and works for that cheap!?

Spike: Like that's our *beep*-ing problem. If you didn't want us to kill her you should have told us.

Jerry: Would it have mattered!?

Angel, Spike and Drusilla: No....

Jerry (to get off this subject to another): Where were we? Oh, yes. Xander, these two women have very strong feelings for you. You have to tell one of them that you don't want to be with them.

Xander: Willow, I want to be with Cordelia. (this gets boos from the Willow-partial audience)

Willow: Probably only because she'll put out!

Angel (interjecting): Nice one, Will. You may want to point out to the audience that he's a virgin too, just to further his shame!

Xander (embarrassed): Shut up, Dead Boy!

Angel: This is Jerry Springer, things come out. All the skeletons in your closet see the light.

Jerry (trying to get back to the subject at hand): Willow, Xander has chosen who he wants to be with. Are you going to except that?

Willow: Hell no! She's a bitch-ass-ho! (Cordelia gets up at the insult and another fight ensues. Once again the security guards manage to break it up)

Jerry: Buffy, you're their friend, what do you think?

Buffy: I think that I should just stay out of this. I mean, look what I did to *my* love life. I don't think I should interfere with theirs.

Jerry: That's probably a wise decision. Willow, he doesn't want to be with you, don't you think you should give up?

Willow: I know Cordelia isn't the one for him. He's just too blind to see that! He's probably too blinded by her *beep*-ing ugly clothes! (Cordelia, who isn't going to stand for ANY insult of her fashion, stands up and throws her chair. It misses Willow totally and hits Drusilla)

Cordelia: Ugh oh. (Drusilla gets up, along with Angel and Spike to fight Cordelia. While the security guards and Buffy attempt to keep the three pissed off vampires at bay Cordelia and Willow have another round of hair pulling and cat fighting)

Jerry: You both have to calm down. (the guards get everyone back in their chairs) Let's go back to Spike, Angel, Drusilla and Buffy for a moment.

Spike: About time you paid attention to the vampires over here.

Jerry: I believe Angel has something to say. (Angel reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring. He kneels beside Drusilla and takes her hand in his)

Angel: Will you marry me, Dru?

Drusilla: Yes, my Angel. (Simultaneously Buffy and Spike get up and blast Angel, knocking him to the ground before he can put the ring on Drusilla's finger. Angel and Drusilla stand up and prepare to defend themselves, and each other, but the guards intervene and eventually get everyone in their seats once again)

Jerry: Buffy...okay...this is not your decision, all right? You just said that you want him dead. If he wants to marry Drusilla, who are you to argue?

Buffy: You won't *beep*-ing live to see a wedding, BITCH!

Angel: Of course she won't. She's DEAD!

Buffy: Oh, you know what I meant, Angel!

Jerry: Buffy, what right do you have to be upset? You're not with him anymore. You're his self professed enemy.

Spike (interrupting before Buffy can answer): She may be, but I still have a reason to be *beep*-ing upset. He just proposed to *my* girlfriend!

Angel: She's not yours anymore, Spikey. (Spike gets up and once again goes for Angel's throat, no pun intended. In the struggle with the security guards Spike's hand accidentally swipes across one of the guard's neck, ripping off the garlic. Angel and Spike exchange glances before both attacking the guard. With the two vampires attacking the guard is dead within a few seconds)

Jerry: Damn it, you two! Do you know how long it took to find another security guard who would take that job after what happened last time!?

Angel (to Spike as they sit back down, both are a little more calm after the meal): I think Jerry's mad at us.

Jerry (softly to himself): Deep breath, count to ten. Deep soothing breaths....

Spike: So I guess we won't be invited back.

Buffy: Hey, that poses an interesting question. Why *are* we back? Last time we were here carnage unfolded, security guards died and Drusilla bit Jerry. Why did he invite us back?

Jerry: The ratings were the best I ever had. You know, I'm in the top spot now, over Oprah. To stay that way I need stories as violent and screwed up as yours.

All: Ohh....

Jerry: Anyway, where were we?

Spike: I believe you were about to have the corpse dragged off the stage. (Jerry motions to a stage hand to do it. The stage hand does so, but his expression gives away his fear of the vampires)

Jerry: Spike, Angel, as a personal favor to me, would you please try to refrain from killing any more of my employees?

Angel (rather reluctantly): Oh, I suppose.

Spike: But only because you asked nicely.

Jerry: Thank you. Let's go to audience questions. (Jerry takes the microphone over to a woman in her middle twenties)

Woman #1: Yeah, Jerry. This is for you three, (she points to Xander, Willow and Cordelia) Why do either of you want to be with that guy? He seems like such a loser to me....

Xander: Hey!

Woman #1: You both need to get a real man, not some jerk that's going to string you along! (There is a round of applause from the audience)

Jerry: Fair enough. (he takes the microphone over to another woman in the audience)

Woman #2: I want to know what happened to that guy that you had dragged off, Jerry.

Jerry: You mean Giles. Well, he couldn't control himself and he kept threatening a guest, which we don't allow, so he had to be removed. Since he keeps on repeating the phrase "I'm going to kill him," over and over I don't believe bringing him back on would be a smart idea.

Angel: Nice to see you looking out of my personal safety, Jerry.

Jerry: I'm looking out for me. It'll be my ass if he kills you and I get sued. I'm controversial enough, I don't need to tack a murder onto my list of 'crimes against humanity.' In case you haven't noticed, I'm being accused of being the reason morals in this country are crumbling. They're trying to make me out as the devil. They're looking for someone to take the blame for the problems of this country---

Xander: Okay, Jerry. We get the point.

Jerry: Sorry, but I had to vent a little. Let's go to another question. (Jerry takes the microphone to a man)

Man #1: Aren't you worried that people who see this show will start to hunt down vampires?

Jerry: Angel; aren't you afraid that being on this show will make people believe that vampires are real?

Angel: Well, Jerry, if there's one thing I've learned it's that people see and believe what they want to. Now, if people actually believed what we said on this show last time; well, the resulting event would make the Salem Witch trials look like an Easter egg hunt. But they didn't, since I'm sitting here today.

Jerry: That's a good point. I'm sure that not many people believe what you've said here today.

Spike: Exactly.

Jerry: Let's take another break.

Fade out--

(A number of commercials are shown, which, incidentally, includes that vampire Ray Ban commercial)

Fade in--

(Jerry is in his seat in front of that ugly painting and starts to do his "final thoughts")

Jerry: In the case of the love triangles; we can't make someone love us, no matter how hard we try. If anything, all we can make them do by trying is resent us. People who typically get into these sorts of relationships usually have problems with commitment and self esteem as well as....

Xander (whispering to the group): Who is he to *beep*-ing judge us and how we handle our relationships? (They all nod in agreement, they are all taking Jerry's comments/judgments on their lives and relationships quite personally and are getting quite angry at Jerry at this point)

Spike: Someone needs to teach Jerry to keep his opinions to himself. (Angel, Spike, and Drusilla exchange grins before the vampire trio stands up. The rest of the group; Buffy, Willow, Xander and Cordelia get up as well and slowly make their way over to Jerry)

Jerry: ....so we can't make someone feel something they do not. (he notices the group heading toward him and holds up his cross. It only defers the vampires but doesn't stop Xander from ripping the ugly modern art painting off of the wall and smashing Jerry's head through the canvas)

Willow: That's what you get for passing judgment on us!

Buffy: Yeah! Who are you to say we're dysfunctional? Even if we are the Dysfunctional Relationship Poster Children that doesn't mean you can judge us! (Buffy begins smacking Jerry upside the head. In attempting to block her hits he drops the cross. Drusilla lunges at him and puts the bite on him once again, draining him to unconsciousness yet again)

Cordelia: Not again!

Angel: That was for all the guests that Jerry has exploited over the years. Now let's get out of here.

Spike: We gotta close the show, *Mate*.

All: Take care of yourselves, and each other!

The End

Author’s Note: By the way....
I don’t think Angel and Dru should be together (I’m a supporter of Buffy/Angel) but I thought it made an interesting twist when he tried to propose to her.

Also, I realize the ending is a little weak, but I couldn’t think of anything better, besides, I wanted someone to put that god ugly painting over Jerry's head.

Finally, to the Giles fans. I would have liked to use him more than I did, but it just didn't work with the love triangle theme. Sorry. In fact, I apologize for this whole story. I got inspired last week when Spike got out of the chair and it just got out of control. Sorry...