Preternatural Love Triangles 3:
Where Are They Now?
by Jenni W.
SPOILER WARNING: "Becoming," Preternatural Love Triangles, and Preternatural Love Triangles Two. If you haven't read the first two, go to the web site listed above because you have to read them.
RATING: PG-14
CONTENT WARNING: Most of the bad things are beep-ed out but there is still some that is not good for little kids to read. If you can't watch Jerry Springer then don't read this.
SUMMARY: This is another update show. (Jerry must be a total idiot to have this group back again!) As the last in the series, I think, I'm pulling out all the stops and all the plot devices I can think of that Jerry might use. It redefines off the wall.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy, Angel, or any Buffy characters. (I would like to own Angel though, or at least have a time-share kind of thing but oh well) They're the playthings of Joss. I don't own Jerry Springer, since he's a real person and all.
NOTES: This story is not, repeat IS NOT serious in any way (I know the characters probably wouldn't act like this. It's not based off of characters as much as it is Jerry guests with a few character mannerisms thrown into the mix)
(Fade in)
Jerry: Welcome to the show, everyone. Some time back we did an update on a show entitled Preternatural Love Triangles. Here's a clip.
{A clip of the show is shone to give the viewers a memory jog, as though anyone could forget}
Jerry: We've been in contact with the guests that we had on the show and we've learned that a lot has changed since they were last here and they viciously attacked me...but because I need the ratings to compete with Oprah and Rosie, we've brought them back to hear what's happened in their lives since the last time they were here. So, welcome back, for a third time, Spike.
(Spike walks out amidst of claps and applause. He takes his seat)
Spike: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Welcome to the show again, Spike. And just so you don't get any ideas--I have security guards all around me. (Jerry motions to three very large men standing around him that are all clutching stakes)
Spike: You're so distrusting.
Jerry: That's because I've almost died up here twice from blood loss. It tends to make you a little tense. So, Spike--can you tell us what has happened since last you were here?
Spike: That bloody bastard Angel was going to suck the world into Hell...I had to put my principles on hold to stop that so I teamed up with--with the slayer! (Spike looks quite disgusted) We formed a plan and we went in and I beat up Angel--but Dru didn't like that. I had to knock her out and drive her the Hell out of Dodge. Speaking of Hell--that's where Angel is.
Jerry: Spike! You hit a woman?! You know how I feel about that.
Spike: Well, technically--but she left me with no choice! Besides, I've beat up on the slayer loads of times. Anyway--now Dru's really pissed at me.
Jerry: I can imagine. Let's bring out Drusilla....(Drusilla walks out and instantly goes to slap the Hell out of Spike. The security guards, who aren't as stupid as they look, decided to stay out of it) Spike, Drusilla! Please! (eventually they take their seats)
Drusilla: You're a mean, bad man, Spike! You made my Angel go all away!
Spike: Oh, yeah, I'm the one that sent him to Hell!
Drusilla: You went behind my back and helped the mean slayer! How could you?!
Spike: *I* went behind your *beep*-ing back?! You're the one that *beep*-ed Angel on a regular basis. You cheated on me, left me for him and you're accusing me of going behind your back?!
Drusilla: But he was my daddy--and you're a mean, bad man!
Jerry: I think we've established that....
Spike: I thought I was doing what was best for us, Dru!
Drusilla: Miss Edith and I are not happy! You'll get no cakes today--or any other day!
Jerry: What did she mean?
Spike: I'm as bloody clueless as you are, Jer. Dru! I love you...will you ever forgive me?
Drusilla: You have to be nice to princess from now on. And you can't do anything with that mean slayer....
Spike: No problem--as long as I can have you back.
Jerry: Are you going to throw chairs any time soon?
Spike and Drusilla: No....
Jerry: Well then, let's bring out our next guest. She's the slayer who sent her boyfriend, soul and all, into Hell. Please welcome Buffy! (Buffy walks out among scattered boos and applause.) Welcome to the show, Buffy. We heard that you sent Angel to Hell....
Buffy (sobbing): Yes....
Spike: Oh, bloody pull yourself together, Slayer! Christ, Man!
Buffy: I'm not in a good mood, Spike.
Spike: Please! It's *Angel!* He's such--(Buffy rises to her feet and quickly punches Spike, knocking him and his chair backward. Then she takes her seat once again)
Buffy: I warned you, Spike. I told you I wasn't in a good mood.
Spike: Apparently not!
Drusilla: You hit my Spike! You mean slayer! (Drusilla gets up and starts toward Buffy. The security guards hold Buffy back, knowing that restraining the vampire would be bad, considering Dru's history on the show)
Jerry: Please--take your seats! (Everyone sits down after a little commotion)
Buffy: He's your Spike again? I thought you were mad at him....
Drusilla: Well, my Angel's in Hell....
Buffy: I was right! You are a big ho!
Spike: Hey! She may be a big ho--but she's *my* big ho! That didn't come out right....
Jerry: I think we know what you meant, Spike. We're going to take a commercial break. We'll be back.
{A number of commercials run including one for those great inventions, a clapper, a Chia Pet and a food dehydrator/meat slicer/pasta maker}
Jerry: And we're back. We have a surprise guest here today that took a great amount of work on our part to bring here. Let's bring him out. (Angel walks out from backstage. He looks a little crispy around the edges but appears to be generally okay)
Buffy: Angel!
Angel: Buffy!
Spike: Dru! Oh, sorry, caught in the moment....(Angel and Buffy hug and kiss passionately.)
Angel: I'm so sorry--
Buffy: I'm sorry too! I'm just glad you're here! (they hug some more. The Jerry Springer audience, who probably has never seen anything like this before, is a bit taken aback. Finally they begin to applaud)
Jerry: Wait a minute! This isn't the reunion that I expected this to be. Why aren't you arguing or fighting? Why aren't you throwing chairs and swearing?
Angel: I made her life miserable....
Buffy: And I sent him to Hell. We're pretty even, I think. (Angel nods in agreement)
Jerry: So, you're not going to throw chairs?
Buffy and Angel: No....
Jerry: Damn it! I can't believe this! I wasted all that effort to get him out of Hell and you aren't even going to fight?!
Spike: Damn, Mate, you smell like sulfur!
Angel: Yeah, well, I just got out of the deepest pits of darkest Hell, okay? What did you expect?
Buffy: How did you get out anyway? You didn't tell me? (They eventually take their seats, they hold hands as they do)
Angel: I don't know--I'm kind of wondering that myself. One minute I'm in Hell, the next I'm in the Green Room. What gives?
Jerry: Allow me to answer that. A few months ago, we brought you a show entitled "I Worship the Devil!" Maybe you remember it?
Spike: Oh, yeah! I remember that one! There were a bunch of Satanists and they beat up members of the Christian Coalition. Bloody good show, Mate.
Jerry: Thank you. Anyway, since they dabble in the black arts, we decided they would be perfect. They told us what they needed for the spell, we gave it to them....
Angel: What the *beep?!*
Buffy: Jerry--you didn't...you let them open the porthole to Hell?!
Jerry: Well, we had to in order to get Angel out in time for the broadcast. Obviously this didn't turn out how I expected...I sort of expected a little more fighting since you sent him to Hell but....
Buffy: And don't think I'm not happy to have Angel back, but let me get this straight. You got a bunch of *beep*-ing Satan worshipers to open the porthole to Hell? Did something else get through? Did you see anything, Angel?
Angel: I don't know--I was out of it. But I can pretty much guarantee that when you open a hole in Hell, something else is bound to come through.
Spike: This is what you get for hiring amateurs, Jerry.
Angel: Oh, wonderful! First I hurt people that I love, now getting me out of Hell is going to hurt people!
Spike: Oh, stop the *beep*-ing brooding, Man!
Angel: Oh, shut the *beep* up, Spike. I'll brood if I damn well please! Oh, by the way--(Angel gets up and punches Spike) That's for the crowbar! (Angel punches him again) That's for when you were going to have the Judge kill me and Buffy! (Again, Angel punches Spike) That's for the restoration ceremony! This is for--
Jerry (interrupting): Working through your issues much, Angel?
Angel: Huh? Oh--yeah, I guess that was a little bit of venting-- but he deserved it. (Buffy gently takes Angel's arm and guides him back to his chair)
Jerry (softly): Well, it's good to know that I can still have a few fights even though the two couples aren't fighting...now what can I do to provoke this further? (louder) Drusilla--tell us about the relationship that you had with Angel during the time he was without a soul?
Drusilla: It was wonderful! My Angel used to put his hands on me and--(Buffy stands up, effectively ending Dru's reminiscing. She goes at the female vamp and lands a punch at Dru's jaw that knocks her to the ground)
Buffy: I think that's enough of that, bitch! He's mine!
Drusilla: But my beautiful Angel of death was mine first.... (the duo then proceeds to chick fight while Angel and Spike watch, not sure if they should get involved)
Spike (to Angel): Well, this is certainly enlightening--Dru still wants you! They're fighting over you! Again!
Angel: Hey, man, she's yours...I don't want her anymore.
Spike: Bloody Hell, Angel, your girlfriend was right! (Spike looks over briefly to the carnage as the vampire and the slayer fight viciously with everything from kicks to hair pulling) Dru really is a big ho. Have I really been so blind?
Angel: I think there's a Mexican stripper backstage for the next show that I passed after I got out of Hell...maybe she'd like your company. You know, to give Dru a taste of her own medicine.
Spike: I think she's a he.
Angel: Yeah, now that you mention it--I think I did see an Adam's apple. It's probably not a good idea to pick up dates on Jerry Springer anyway....( the fight eventually dies down and the two women are finally shown back to their chairs)
Jerry: I noticed you and Angel talking during that...what were you discussing? Your differences that will result in a fight, I hope...
Spike: No, I just realized something! The slayer was right--Dru, you really are a big *beep*-ing ho! (the audience is a little taken aback once again) I'm leaving you! I'm going to live out my dreams without you!
Jerry: And what dreams are those?
Spike: Well, I've always wanted to try my hand...maybe that's not the best wording... at being an exotic dancer...and I think I could be bloody good at it....
Jerry: Well, we always have music on cue in case someone decides to strip--feel free to demonstrate. (That cheesy dance music that sounds like it's from the background of a porno movie begins playing. Spike stands up and starts dancing to the music and pulling his shirt off. The women in the audience scream and go crazy as he tosses his shirt into the audience)
Drusilla (who is not too thrilled): Spike...what are you doin'?!
Buffy: Hey, Angel, got a buck?
Angel: Sorry--a demon in Hell took all my cash and credit cards. Besides, if you were going to stuff a dollar down Spike's pants, I'd be really upset.
Buffy: I won't then...I just want to support Spike's career choice-- it beats spending all of his time trying to kill me. I think that given the choice between Spike spending his time killing and maiming or spending his time stripping--stripping is the lesser of the two evils. (The music stops and Spike takes his seat once again amidst waves of applause from the audience)
Jerry: Now that's more like it! As I always say, if someone's not fighting, they should be stripping.
Drusilla: You're a mean, bad man, Spike!
Spike: And you're a slut. Do you have a point? (Drusilla pouts and walks backstage. No one, guest or security guard, tries to bring her back)
Jerry: Anyway, let's move on. Let's bring out our next guests, shall we? You may recall the other love triangle on our previous update show.
{A clip of Xander, Willow and Cordelia is shown}
Jerry: Please welcome Xander! (Xander walks out and takes a seat. Because he was outside the studio, he is quite surprised to see Angel)
Xander: What the *beep* is Dead Boy doing here?
Angel: Jerry hired a bunch of Satanists to open the porthole to Hell and get me out. If there's a demon running around backstage, that'd be why.
Xander: Oh.
Angel: Don't worry, Xander, you don't have to pretend to be happy to see me. I'll understand.
Xander: That's good, because I'm really not happy to see you.
Jerry: Anyway--Xander, can you tell us what's happening in your relationship?
Xander: Well, Jerry, I'm having mixed feelings when it comes to Cordelia and Willow. I don't know how to put this...but I want them both....
Angel and Spike: At once?!
Xander: No! You vampire perverts!
Jerry: So, you're torn between two lovers...well, let's bring out Cordelia and Willow. (The two girls come out from separate sides of the stage and take their seats, one on either side of Xander) Now, they've been outside the studio....(Jerry notices the strange looks on their faces as they look at Angel) Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, we got Angel out of Hell.
Willow: Nice to see you, Angel....
Angel: You too, Willow. And you, Cordelia.
Jerry: Enough with the niceties...let's get to the violence that might make it onto the "Too Hot For TV" video. Now, Xander, I believe you have something to tell them so I'll turn it over to you.
Xander: Cordelia, you know that I really care about you...but after what happened, I've started having these...feelings...for Willow....
Willow and Cordelia: WHAT!?
Xander: I can't choose....
Cordelia: Well, you had better! I can find someone else to spend some time in the closet with, you know!
Jerry: And if this couldn't get more complicated, Willow, you have a boyfriend, right?
Willow: Yes, Oz. He's a musician.
Jerry: Let's bring out Oz! (Oz, who was not outside the studio during the previous segment, comes out and goes right for Xander. Despite the height difference, a very brutal fight breaks out as the security guards start to earn their paychecks)
Oz: You *beep*-ing, *beep*-ing bastard! (Eventually they are shown to their seats by a few rather large guards) Damn it, Xander, why are you being so damn stupid?!
Xander: I can't help how I feel!
Willow: Well, I'll make it real *beep*-ing easy for you, Xander. I'm staying with Oz!
Xander: That does simplify matters slightly....
Cordelia: Not hardly! You still pine after Buffy even though she apparently has Angel again! What's to stop you from pining over Willow now that she has Oz?!
Jerry: Buffy, how--(He stops when he sees Angel and Buffy making out in one of the chairs, apparently making up for lost time, all the while Spike is looking rather disgusted) Never mind....
Cordelia: I've had it, Xander! I'm leaving you! I'm officially single now!
Jerry: Well, let's see--two relationships have ended during this show...we're right on schedule. Let's take some audience questions, shall we? (he takes the microphone over to a woman)
Woman #1: This is for Angel. What was Hell like?
Angel (who has disentangled himself from Buffy): It lacked an air conditioner.
Jerry: Okay...Next...(he gives another woman the microphone)
Woman #2: I want to know, since Spike stripped, if Angel would strip for us. (this is followed by whoops and hollers)
Buffy: Over my dead body!
Jerry: Okay, let's go to---(he stops as suddenly Drusilla appears from backstage, looking VERY pissed off)
Drusilla: It's your fault my Spike-y left! You and your show! (She runs at Jerry and with the strength of twenty pissed off ex girlfriends makes quick work of Jerry's security guards. She then goes for the host and with a quick motion she must have learned from Angel, breaks his neck)
Angel: Oh my god! She killed Jerry!
Spike: You bastard!
Buffy: Drusilla! How could you!?
Xander: And we never got to finish airing our personal business in front of the world!
Cordelia: I haven't even gotten the chance to bitch slap Willow yet!
Willow: There's no host anymore! Who's going to host the show? (A man in a suit walks out and walks over to Spike)
Man: I'm the producer...and with Jerry being dead, we need a new talk show host. How would you like your own talk show, Spike? We think you'd have a certain...edge...unlike any other show.
Angel: Jerry's body isn't even cold yet and you're replacing him?
Man: This is business...we can't just wait around for rigor mortis to set in.
Spike: I get my own bloody show?! Cool! I'm there! (Spike stands up and quickly walks to Jerry's body. There, he pries the microphone from Jerry's cold, dead hand and walks to that ugly painting on the wall)
Cordelia: What the *beep* is he doing?
Xander: Closing the show, I think...I think these are his 'final thoughts.'
Buffy: Come on, Angel, I don't want to stick around for Spike's stupid final thoughts. Let's go backstage and see if anything else got through the porthole....(The slayer and the vampire walk off stage to hunt as Spike takes his seat in the chair by the painting)
Spike: What's left to say, really? They say that violence doesn't solve anything? Bull *beep.* Violence solves everything. And as for my closing thought, here it is; if your girlfriend is a ho that is cheating on you with your own *beep*-ing sire, then dump her ass and pursue your dreams. Also, you can't have two women, unless of course, you're Mormon. And finally--take care of yourself, and each other!
(fade out)
The End