SPOILER WARNING: Innocence be damned. It never happened.
RATING: PG-14
CONTENT WARNING: Some sexual innuendo but nothing anyone who watches Buffy couldn't read.
SUMMARY: It's the sequel to "Chickens and Fire Extinguishers." Buffy takes Angel to the mall, chaos and bickering ensues. Not much more to be said about it, other than it's clearly not my best work, but I decided to post it anyway.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy, Angel or any of the other Buffy characters, Joss and the WB do.
THANKS: To Starr for suggesting the title to me.
The slayer looked over at her sleeping boyfriend with a smile on her face. It was almost sunset so he would be waking soon, which was good since she was getting increasingly anxious to go on their trip to the Sunnydale Mall. She had been looking forward to it all day while she had been lounging around Angel's apartment while he slept. During the day, she had caught up with her friends on the Real World thanks to a marathon on MTV, read a part of one of Angel's Anne Rice books, hoping that she could figure out what he liked so much about her writing, and spent a few hours watching the vampire sleep.
But now the sun was going down and it was time for him to rise and shine...as much as a vampire can shine anyway. As soon as the sun had passed the horizon the slayer jumped onto the bed beside the vampire, violently pulling him from his slumber and into the world of the living.
"What?" he grumbled quietly as he slowly opened his eyes.
"Wake up, Angel, we're going to the mall!" the slayer exclaimed, the vampire groaned, rolled onto his stomach and used the pillow to cover his head, hoping that it would drown out her voice and allow him to go back to sleep. Fat chance of that. The Chosen One pulled the pillow away from his head and discarded it quickly by tossing it across the room. "Up, now."
"Buffy...just five more minutes....please...." he pulled the blanket over his head, hoping that she would feel just a little compassion for him and allow him his much needed, desired and deserved five minutes. She laid down beside his blanket covered form and let out a sigh.
"The sun is down. Isn't that when vampires wake up?" the slayer inquired of the blanket mound that covered her boyfriend.
"I'm tired. In case you forgot, you woke me up yesterday too." Angel's muffled voice answered. "Five minutes, I swear." Angel pleaded, his voice was as firm and as strong as a sleep deprived vampire with a blanket over his head could sound.
"Fine. I think I'll go cook you breakfast...." Buffy stated.
"What!?" Angel asked, pulling the blanket away, sitting up quickly, and turning his head to face her, shock and fear for his kitchen written all over his expression.
"I knew that little scare would wake you up." the slayer giggled, getting an early evening glare from Angel. "Now that you're awake, go take a shower and get ready. I want to be to the mall by seven." the vampire groaned as he sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"Remind me to wake you up at four in the morning tonight, just to see how *you* like being woken up." Angel grumbled. The drowsy immortal stood and went to the shower, hoping that the warm water would aid in waking him. As he took his shower, the slayer sat on the bed, wondering if Angel had really meant his threat about waking her in the early morning as revenge.
A half an hour later the slayer led her vampire boyfriend through the electronic doors of the Sunnydale Mall, just a little surprised she didn't have to physically drag him inside. But he was going along with it, accepting his situation as it were and not putting up a fight, since it would be futile anyway.
"Where to first?" the vampire asked as he was hit by the overly bright florescent lights of the mall. The light made him just a little uncomfortable, it was far too bright for his taste. Being a vampire, of course he preferred the dark, but he noted that Buffy appeared to be right at home.
"Well, the electronics store is way at the other end of the mall, so we should work our way there." The slayer answered, her eyes took on a noticeable sheen as soon as they entered the monument to consumerism.
"'Work our way there?' We only need, what, two things? Shoes and an answering machine." Buffy flashed an innocent look, "what else are you
planning on purchasing?" the vampire asked firmly.
"I wanted to get a new dress, and maybe...." she began but was cut off by a *look* from Angel. "And maybe a few other things...." she vaguely finished, her eyes not meeting his.
"I can't believe I got suckered into a huge shopping trip. You would think I would have learned a little something after two hundred and forty two years." Angel grumbled quietly to himself as he shoved his hands into his coat pocket. Buffy noted that he looked as though he were about to slip into the "Angel brooding" demeanor that she had become so familiar with.
"First stop; the shoe store!" the slayer declared, determined not to give Angel the opportunity to brood. With that, she took her boyfriend by the hand and led him to the mall shoe store.
Angel shifted slowly in his seat as he watched the slayer speaking with a saleswoman who was assisting her in the shoe purchasing process. By Angel's estimations they had been at it for half an hour, trying to find what Buffy had described as the 'perfect pair of shoes.' Meanwhile, Angel patiently waited. Actually not so patiently. He was bored out of his vamp mind.
After spending the past seven minutes counting the ceiling tiles and coming up with 467, he looked to his girlfriend and the dark-haired sales woman, noting that they looked no closer to finding the perfect pair than they were half an hour ago. "Is this going to be much longer?" he asked, he didn't really want to sound like he was complaining, but he was.
"I haven't found my shoes yet." the slayer stated firmly as she slipped another pair onto her feet.
"What does it take to find shoes? You know your shoe size. Is there really so much work required here?" the immortal asked quickly, mentally wishing he had brought a book to read or something.
"Yes, there is so much work required. Shoe size is only one factor; fit, style, comfort, they all play in." the slayer answered as she pulled the pair off of her feet and went for another one to take their place. "How can you be bored when we're having so much fun?"
"This is not fun." the vamp replied quickly. "In fact, spontaneous combustion is looking up right now. At least *that* wouldn't be boring." Angel said sarcastically, getting an eye-roll from Buffy, who was just a little sick of his complaining. "Okay." Angel sighed. "Is this going to take much longer?"
"It might." Buffy responded with all honesty. Angel let out a loud painful groan as he slunk into his chair. "God, you're such a male. You just don't know the value of a good pair of shoes."
"It's really good I have immortality to wait." he grumbled to himself as he closed his eyes. He titled his head, resting it on his shoulder and shifted to get more comfortable. By the time Buffy had tried on another pair of shoes Angel was fast asleep in the chair, apparently catching up on his lost hours of sleep from the days before. Buffy smiled to herself, at least now she wouldn't have to listen to his complaining.
Another fifteen minutes passed before the slayer found a pair of shoes to her liking. Once she had, she walked over to the slumbering vampire and pressed her fingers to his cheek and placed a kiss on his lips. Slowly he opened his brown eyes to meet hers. "Please tell me you're finished."
"I'm done. I noticed that patience isn't your best trait." the Chosen One stated as Angel stood up from his chair after stretching his neck.
"I noticed that efficiency isn't yours." the immortal countered, the slayer simply chose to roll her eyes in response, but she couldn't ignore the strange gleam in his brown eyes. "I've been sitting here for the past forty five minutes doing nothing. I counted the number of shoes, the ceiling tiles, the number of people that walked by and then fell asleep, thankfully. What's next? Chinese water torture?!" he yelled, getting the attention of some of the people in the store.
"Let's just get out of here before you really start being bitchy." the slayer said, taking him by the arm and leading him out of the shoe store. Once out of the store she led him to a bench where they took a seat. "Feeling better?" she asked, rubbing his shoulder. The vampire had calmed down considerably since leaving the store and was now quite docile.
"I...I don't know what came over me...I can't believe I was yelling...." Angel whispered, lifting his eyes to meet Buffy's.
"Shoe shopping has done worse to many a man. It's the truest test of manhood. If you can survive shoe shopping with your girlfriend you are truly a strong person, Angel. In fact, I think that shoe shopping is the main cause of insanity among men, so I figure that since you didn't go on a murder spree you took it rather well." she joked as she pressed her head to his shoulder.
"Thanks. Just promise you'll never do that to me again." he replied, pressing his lips to her forehead.
"I swear I will never take you shoe shopping ever again." Buffy stated, holding her right hand in solemn promise.
"Thank you. You are truly a decent human being." Angel answered with a sigh of relief.
"I won't take you shoe shopping...because now I'm taking you clothes shopping!" she grinned. Before the vampire could answer she was on her feet, her bag in one hand and his hand in the other. She pulled him to his feet and began leading him toward The Gap.
"Buffy...please, I beg of you!" Angel pleaded as they approached the store.
"It's not nearly as bad as shoe shopping, I swear. Most of this is just looking through the racks and deciding what you like. You can even participate in this one, rather than sitting there like a bump on a log. You can offer opinions." Angel sighed reluctantly, knowing full well that the offering of male opinions on the matter of clothes was a Catch-22 if ever there was one. If you said you liked it, you were saying it because it was what she wanted to hear. If you said you didn't like it, you had no taste.
She led him into the store and over to the first rack of outfits. The slayer perused the racks for a moment, all the while Angel stood behind her watching. "What do you think of this?" she asked finally as she held up a top for Angel's inspection.
"It's...cute." the vampire smiled his most beatific grin as he gave his opinion, hoping that she would think it truthful and not question him.
"'Cute?' I didn't even think that the word cute was in your vocabulary, especially not when describing clothing. Cute? What do you mean by 'cute?'" she asked, her eyes narrowing as she looked at her cradle-robbing-creature-of-the-night-boyfriend.
"What do you want me to say? Do I think you would look good in it? Yes. But seeing as I think you would look beautiful in anything, I don't think I'm the most objective opinion so I don't think my opinion should really count for much. Besides, I'm not into fashion...."
"No kidding." Buffy breathed under her breath.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the vampire asked, just a little defensively.
"Nothing. It's just that...well, I've gone through your closet and...black is a nice color...actually it's not really a color... but anyway, it's nice in moderation. I think you take it a little far." the slayer answered. "Do you own anything that's not black or not worn with black?"
"I brood, black works with the brooding. You can't really expect me to brood while wearing pastels, can you?" the vampire inquired, Buffy let out a soft sigh. "You know what? I don't want to argue about this, I really don't. I'd much rather argue about being forced to shop with you." It was clear by the tone that it was a playful argument and nothing more, but playful or not, Buffy was not about to let him win it.
"I'm not forcing you to do anything!" the Chosen One quickly protested.
"Well, I'm not here of my own volition, that's for sure. This is not my choice. I did not chose to be here, I was pretty much forced into it, by you, under the facade that I was shopping for an answering machine." Angel countered, ignoring the small smile on Buffy's lips.
"Well, with that attitude I'll never take you shopping again!"
"I'll somehow have to find the strength to live on knowing that I'll never be forced to endure another forty five minutes of mind numbing shoe shopping with you. I'd rather be home with a good book, thank you very much." Angel couldn't help but crack a smile as he argued with the slayer.
"Then maybe you should be dating Giles." Buffy joked as she picked up a black dress from the rack. "You two have so much in common it's pretty scary. Think about it; you both read way too much, he hangs in a dark library, you hang your dark apartment. And then there's the vampire/demon thing...oh my god, you two are perfect for each other!" she laughed, holding up the dress for his opinion. He nodded his head approvingly, hoping that he wouldn't be forced to say anything that she could take the wrong way.
"Yeah, but Giles couldn't wear that dress. He doesn't have the legs to pull it off." the vampire replied playfully.
"Fine. Just so you won't complain anymore, we'll go get your answering machine and then we'll leave. As soon as I try this on." Buffy stated, motioning to the dress. She gave him a quick good-bye kiss and then headed in the direction of the changing room.
While the slayer was gone, the vampire wandered the store for a little while, looking at the clothes on the racks and thinking how clothing had changed over the years; a hundred years ago no woman would have been caught dead with a T-shirt that exposed her midriff.
A few minutes later Buffy returned with the dress in hand. "It fits. I'm going to buy it, come on." the slayer said, leading the vampire to the counter. As they waited for the saleslady to ring up Buffy's purchase, the slayer turned to her creature of the night boyfriend. "After this, the electronics store."
"Promise?" Angel asked as the cashier rang up the price of the dress, which was an absolutely ridiculous price, in Angel's opinion. Buffy fished some money from her purse and placed it on the counter.
"I promise." The slayer answered as the saleswoman made change and then handed her the bagged dress. With that, the pair walked out of the clothing store and began heading toward the electronics store.
It had taken a while to get there, based on the fact that Buffy had stopped often to look in the windows of every store they had passed, but eventually they had gotten to the store which sold answering machines. Upon entering the slayer immediately led them over to a display wall of machines, ranging in price and features.
"Let's get one and go. I'm hungry." Angel grumbled.
"You can't just "get one." You have to pick the one that you want, what features you need, what kind of model it is, that sort of thing." Angel suddenly was struck with a strange sense of deja vu in regards to the shoe shopping earlier that evening. It seemed that both shoes and answering machines had a long list of criteria they needed to fit.
"I don't need features. I don't even want one." the vampire replied as a salesman walked over to the duo.
"Can I help you with anything?" the geeky looking salesman asked with a crooked grin.
"No." Angel stated.
"Yes." Buffy gave the contradicting answer at the exact same moment.
"Well, if I may suggest this model," the salesman said, motioning to an answering machine on display. Angel glanced at it briefly, noting that, though not surprisingly, it was the most expensive machine on display.
"I'll take that." Angel said, pointing to the simplest looking and also the cheapest machine. He reasoned that they shouldn't have to pay a whole lot for a thing he didn't even want or feel that he needed.
"Angel, you have to be thorough and pick the right one, unless you want to have to come back to the mall again to buy another one." the vampire cringed at the thought of having to return to the Sunnydale Mall more than once in his immortality. "How about that one?" the slayer suggested, pointing to a machine in the middle price range. She figured it was a decent compromise between the state of the art machine and the hunk of junk that Angel had selected.
"Fine, wonderful. Let's go." Angel promptly agreed.
"What's wrong with him?" the salesman asked Buffy in regards to Angel's strange behavior and desperate attempts to get out of the mall as quickly as humanly and/or vampirely possible. "Is he going to be sick or something?"
"No...he's not going to be sick." ever Buffy mentally added, "He just doesn't like shopping very much."
"Understatement!" Angel muttered, getting a quick glare from Buffy that silenced any further protests from the immortal.
"We'll take that one." Buffy said, pointing to the answering machine in the middle price and a moderate number of features and buttons. The salesman nodded, though looking a little disappointed that he hadn't managed to get the couple to buy the most expensive model.
When they reached the register Angel went to pull out his credit card, but the slayer stopped him. "I told you, it's a belated birthday gift." the slayer said as she pulled money from her purse and handed it to the salesman.
"If you *really* wanted to get me a belated birthday gift, you would have bought something from Victoria's Secret rather than Radio Shack." Angel replied with a small grin.
"I don't think you'd look very good in a silk teddy." the slayer quipped. "I don't think you have the waist to pull it off."
"I meant for you." Angel stated, his voice betraying just a tiny hint of annoyance at the night in general.
"I know that. I'm just messing with your mind." the Chosen One responded as the answering machine was put in a bag and her change was given to her. Angel took that bag, along with the others he was still carrying and together they walked out of the store and toward the nearest exit.
As soon as they set foot outside of the mall, Angel let out a loud sigh as he breathed, as much as a vampire can breathe, the fresh air of the outside and not the stale recycled air of the shopping mall. "I feel better." the vampire stated finally, a large smile on his face, all the while his girlfriend stood watching Angel's entire "freedom from mall shopping" display.
"I bet you can't wait to see what I have in store for you tomorrow night." Buffy smiled, Angel's joyous expression immediately dropped. The vampire shuddered to think what the slayer had planned for him tomorrow evening. It was a horrible thought that haunted his mind the entire way home.
Upon arriving back at the apartment, the slayer went to work on the answering machine; getting it hooked up and ready to take any and all messages the vampire would get. "Okay." she said finally after going through the twelve page instruction manual, "now you have to record a message. You need to tell them your name, that you can't...." Buffy began but was cut off as Angel pressed the record button on the answering machine.
"This is Angel. I'm either asleep or out. Leave a message." he then took his finger off the record button and looked to Buffy, waiting for her approval or disapproval of his message.
"Short, direct to the point. I like it." she grinned.
"There, is it on now? Does everything work? Will it take messages if someone calls?" Angel questioned.
"Yeah, it's fully operational." Angel suddenly got a somewhat predatory grin on his face. "Why are you suddenly so interested in if it'll work?" Buffy inquired, a smile spreading over her face. He stood and took her hand in his, helping her to her feet as well.
"I want to be sure that we won't be disturbed for a while." he grinned as he and the slayer made their way to his bedroom together hand in hand.
The End.