"Some" Assembly Required
by Jenni W.
SPOILER WARNING: 'Innocence' be damned--it never happened. This is a happy story!
RATING: PG-14
FEEDBACK: PLEASE! Unless you want me to quit writing fan-fic and take up rug hooking.
CONTENT: A little sexual innuendo, but nothing a normal viewer of the show couldn't read.
SUMMARY: Buffy tries to put something together to decorate Angel's apartment. The instructions are in Japanese. It goes downhill from there. Sadly, this is partially based on a true story. Sometimes there is nothing stranger than reality. This is another in the Fluff Series.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy and Angel. Joss and the WB do. I'll return them when I'm finished in the same condition I got them in.
NOTES: Yes, I know "Some Assembly Required" was the name of a season two episode, but it's the only one I could think of.
"What is it?" Angel asked skeptically, looking at the large cardboard box currently sitting in the middle of his living room.
"It's shelves...some assembly required. This way you can organize all of those books into something that's not piles in the corners." Buffy replied with a grin. Angel just stared at her. "My mom won them in a raffle or something, I don't know, and she doesn't want them, so I told her I'd give them to my vampire lover." Angel looked at her wordlessly before she finally cracked a smile.
"I never know when you're kidding," he admitted, sitting up from the couch to look at the box sitting on his floor. "Well, I guess I could use them. I can take it somewhere and have someone put them together this weekend." With that, the vamp retook his seat on the couch and flipped open his book to the page he'd been on before Buffy entered the apartment, pushing the box in front of her.
Buffy shook her head and walked to Angel's closet, all the while he watched her retrieving the small tool box that Angel always kept in case the need for a hammer or screwdriver should ever arise. "I bet we can do it ourselves."
"I think we should let a professional do it this weekend." Angel calmly replied.
"I want to do it now." Buffy stated, carrying the toolbox to the shelves, still in their original wrapping. She opened the toolbox to find a hammer, two screwdrivers, nails, a stake, a wrench, a container of holy water, and a few screws. She looked at him questioningly in reference to the stake and holy water.
"Tools of the trade?" he asked with a slight shrug.
"No puns, please." she groaned.
"It's in my blood." Angel smiled before pretending to bear his fangs. She grabbed the stake from the toolbox and waved it in front of him for a moment, "Okay, no more puns. Wordplay is bad." Angel held up his hands in surrender before lifting his book once more.
"You're not going to help me?" she pouted as she searched for a way to open the very heavily taped box.
"I don't know anything about shelves, it's way out of my league. Trust me, I'd be more of a hindrance than a help. And I said we should wait till the weekend to take it to someone with experience instead of wasting an entire night trying to play 'Carpenter'." Angel replied from the couch. The Slayer stuck her tongue out at him as she struggled to rip the tape from the box. He watched her struggle for a moment before whispering, "Knife," into her ear. Her eyes lit as she ran to the kitchen to get something to cut that damn tape with.
Angel just shook his head and tried to get through the page of 'Cat's Cradle' that he'd been on since Buffy had arrived with her box of shelves. She returned with a knife and proceeded to cut away the tape. She opened the box to reveal a set of instructions, a bag of screws and nails, and several pieces of oak, all of which was disassembled.
She reached for the instructions and proceeded to read them, or at least attempted to. She tried for about two minutes, flipping through the pages before finally asking, "Do you see anything in English around here?" Angel looked up from his book to see the Slayer turning the instruction manual inside and out, trying to find something that wasn't a foreign language.
She handed Angel the instructions, which he inspected briefly before stating; "These are in Japanese."
"And being a cultured vampire of the world, you read Japanese, right?" Buffy asked, hope glowing in her big, beautiful eyes. As much as it hurt, he shook his head and watched as her expression dropped.
"I'm sorry, Beloved, but I tended toward Europe. I just recognize it." Buffy let out a loud sigh that Angel interpreted as the Slayer giving up on the task before her. "It's okay, at least you tried, right? How about we do something else instead?" he suggested, hoping to lift her spirits.
"I'm putting this together." she insisted, snatching the foreign directions back from her boyfriend with a quick snap of her hand. "If it's the last thing I do." she quietly mumbled to herself, though the vampire picked it up, thanks to his excellent hearing. "It can't be that hard, right? I mean, I'm sure the Japanese person with the English instructions can put it together, right?"
"Whatever you say, Buffy." Angel replied from the couch. She shot her vampire boyfriend a glare as she opened the bag containing the screws. She looked at the wood, then to the screws and decided upon a course of operation. Grabbing one piece of wood, she began applying the screws where she decided they needed to go, all the while Angel looked on in a mixture of amusement at the sight in front of him, and concern for his girlfriend's sanity, which would quickly dwindle as the assembly went on.
She got one shelf completed before she realized that two of the pieces were upside down and moreover, didn't go together as one of the parallel pieces was almost six inches longer than the other. "Grrr...." she quietly whispered to herself.
"Buffy, you should just stop, give it a break before you get really frustrated." Angel commented from the couch. She lashed out to slap him, narrowly missing his leg.
"I'm getting it!" she insisted before going back to work.
Half an hour later, she had something assembled, but it didn't exactly resemble a shelf, or shelves in any way. "I know, it's modern art, right?" Angel playfully asked from the couch. She turned to face him, and from the annoyed, frustrated look in her eyes, he knew that any more comments like that and he'd get the stake for sure.
"A little help, Angel?" she growled through clenched teeth. Clearly, 'frustrated' didn't quite cover it.
"Ask me to kill vampires; no problem. Ask me to fight a demon; sure. Ask me to put together shelves, and we have a little problem. I'm not handy, Buffy. I say you just put it aside, wait to calm down, and try again another day. Or, better yet, take it to someone that knows what they're doing." At this suggestion, the Slayer merely scoffed while reaching for a screwdriver.
"Angel, you know I love you...but why can't I date a guy that can build stuff?!" she shrieked.
"You're sexy when you're frustrated." he smiled gently, hoping that his most beatific smile would distract her long enough so that he could get her away from the not-quite-shelves. "Did I ever tell you that I find a girl with a wrench really sexy?"
"Can we discuss your sick fetishes after I build this?!" Angel bit back his laughter as she went back to work and he went back to his book.
Five pages later, a loud "Damn!" broke his concentration. He found Buffy about ready to throw the shelves across the room, her anger at the inanimate object now reaching new heights. Angel decided then and there that enough was enough. Grabbing the tiny Slayer by the waist, he pulled her away from the shelves and lifted her into his arms easily. "What are you doing?" she shouted.
"Pulling you away from your project before you kill something. I'm taking you to bed right now, and I'm going to make you forget about these damn shelves, so help me." With that, and with a resolved face on, Angel carried the Slayer to bed, where he sat her down.
"I almost had it, you know." she muttered as Angel stripped his shirt from his body.
"I know...." he grinned as he reached down and kissed her. Taking her mouth against his for a deep, passionate kiss, he whispered, "What were we talking about?" he asked between her quick breaths of air.
"My shelves." she insisted. He kissed her once more, all the more passionately. When the kiss ended, Buffy's expression softened into a sweet smile for her boyfriend. "Talking? We were talking? I don't recall words passing between us...." she smiled as the couple collapsed onto the bed together.
A few hours later Angel slowly cracked open his sable eyes while reaching across the bed to pull Buffy against him. He'd woken when he'd reached unconsciously and found nothing there. Looking around, he found himself alone in the bed, and indeed alone in the room. Before he could wonder where the Slayer had gone, he heard a "STUPID SCREW!" coming from the living room.
Groaning to himself, the vampire glanced at the clock beside the bed to find it nearly three in the morning. "She's insane." he muttered to himself as he sat up and slipped on his robe while walking to the door. Taking a deep metaphorical breath, he opened the door, finding Buffy sitting on the floor with the shelves still in fifty pieces. "Perseverance takes on whole new meanings with you, doesn't it?" he asked as he entered the room.
"Put on coffee, we're going to be here for a long time." Buffy stated firmly, reaching for her handy screwdriver.
"I'm not putting on coffee, I'm not going to support this in any way. I'm not going to assist in the activity that's about to put you in the nut-house. Tell me, do you *really* want to be like Drusilla?" Angel asked sarcastically, getting a sharp glare from the Slayer who was now exceeding her frustration levels from before.
"I'm already pissed off, Angel. *Don't* bring the ex-girlfriends into this."
"Buffy, it's three in the morning!" he all but whined to his lover. "We should be in bed, not sitting in the living room while you puzzle over Japanese instructions and where a screw goes." Angel insisted. He was tempted to once again grab his girlfriend and this time throw her over his shoulder and physically drag her from the frustrating project if need be.
"I just need another hour." she quickly replied, "I really think I have it this time." Angel just sighed and decided that nothing could be done to dissuade her at this point. He could have pulled her away, but by the look on her face, she would have fought him over it and he would have gotten a stake in a very painful place. So, Angel decided to sit and wait for her to come to her senses. He grabbed a book, and waited for her to realize the hopelessness of her situation.
Every so often, Angel's concentration was broken by a shriek of annoyance from the Slayer. Angel didn't say anything, for there was nothing he could say to discourage her, and just went back to his book.
Half an hour or so later, he hadn't heard a noise for almost fifteen minutes. He looked down from his book to find the Slayer asleep, curled up on the floor beside her partially assembled shelves.
She looked peaceful in her sleep, the lines creasing her face out of frustration had faded away with her slumber. Angel considered moving her to the bed, or even to the nearby couch, but he quickly decided against moving the sleeping Slayer and running the risk of accidentally waking her. Rather, he draped a blanket over her and sat down beside her sleeping form. Stroking her cheek while she slumbered, he looked at her partially constructed shelves before sighing.
He brushed the tresses of her silken hair back slowly, the hypnotic movements soon were enough to put him to sleep as well.
Buffy woke slowly while her entire body violently protested and fought her to go back to sleep. Eventually she persevered and was able to reach a state of semi-consciousness where she discovered Angel sleeping beside her, his hand resting on her shoulder and fingers tangled in her hair. She looked around to the wall clock and saw that it was morning, and only a few minutes till she was supposed to be at school.
Getting up, she walked to the phone and called her mother, who believed that her daughter had spent yet *another* night at Willow's, and told her that she wasn't feeling well and that she was going to stay at Will's to 'recover.' Joyce agreed and Buffy hung up after her mother told her to 'feel better.' As she hung up the phone, Angel stirred and awoke.
"I called in sick." Buffy explained.
"You're sick?" Angel inquired while rubbing the sleep from his sable eyes.
"Just playing hooky. Besides, I got four hours of sleep, I feel like I'm about to pass out. I call that pretty sick." she replied with a slight smile as she extended her hand to her creature of the night boyfriend and pulled him to his feet. Together, they walked to the bedroom for some much needed sleep.
But....
Five hours later Angel was woken by a loud, piercing scream that seemed to be coming from the living room. His first instinct told him that Buffy was in trouble and she needed his help. He rose from the bed as quickly as vampirely possible and ran to the living room, expecting to see a demon or something else that would warrant screaming.
Once again, he found the Slayer working on her shelves, but this time, the scream hadn't been one of frustration, but rather a shriek of triumph. There, sitting in the middle of the living room was a set of completely assembled shelves. "I told you I could do it!" Buffy proudly exclaimed with a grin, apparently now well rested.
"I never doubted you for a moment." Angel replied. Buffy gave him a "Liar, liar, pants on fire" expression before returning her gaze to the perfectly constructed shelves. "Okay...but only for a moment." he amended while wrapping his arms around her so the pair could admire her handiwork.
"Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" she asked with a sigh of contentment at a job well done.
He smiled while nodding and leaning down to kiss the top of her head, "Just you." he whispered into her ear. "Now, where do you think we should put it?" he asked. The Slayer thought for a moment before pointing to one corner of the room. Buffy then pushed the shelves to the position she wanted them to be.
Stepping back, she admired her work briefly before placing one of Angel's books, a big demon volume, onto the top shelf.
Immediately, the shelves began to wobble under the weight and suddenly collapsed under it. Buffy just stared in shock at her ruined piece of work while Angel quickly moved to her side to comfort his Slayer girlfriend before she did something overly drastic. "Are you okay?" he asked gently, though he already knew the answer to that particular question.
Swallowing hard, she nodded. Before Angel could say or do anything, she picked up a piece of wood that had once been a part of the shelves and with Slayer strength, punched it, effectively breaking it in half. "Now I feel better," she sighed, "but not quite 'skipping through the park' happy yet."
Angel watched as his girlfriend vented her rage onto the shelf pieces, destroying them one by one. Finally, the couple sat on the couch together, looking at the debris that was once shelves as Angel gave the overly strained Slayer a massage. "Is there a moral to the story?" Angel asked while rubbing the stress out of her tense shoulders with his hands. He could feel the strained muscles under his fingers and how her body relaxed under his touch after the trying experience of the shelves.
"Buy things fully assembled, and if it says 'some assembly required', consider what 'some' could mean before proceeding." she quickly replied, glaring at the once-shelves.
"That's a lovely moral, Honey." he replied before placing a kiss on her neck.
"Unless, of course, it wins me a full body massage. Then it *might* be worth the effort." she quickly amended.
"You don't need to put something together to get one of those." he smiled while trailing a kiss down her jugular with careful tenderness.
"I think I earned one." Angel nodded in agreement and, taking her hand in his, led her to the bedroom for a little bit of well deserved relaxation.
And so it was that as soon as the sun went down, the shelves found their way to the trash in several more pieces than they'd originally started with and the Slayer resolving forever to only get things that were already fully assembled.
The End