The Spike Show--The Premiere Episode
by Jenni W
RATING: PG-14
CONTENT WARNING: A little PG-14 language, nothing too awful.
SUMMARY: Well, Spike has gotten his own show--but it's not what he expected it to be. He gets a co-host, talks politics (Spike style) has some guests, a few features and wackiness ensues. This is just downright loony.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Spike or Angel. (I would like to own Angel though, or at least have a time-share kind of thing but oh well) They're the playthings of Joss and I plan on returning them after I'm done with them. I don't own any of the guests except for the one that I made up--the rest are actual people and I am using them without permission.
THANKS: To Cathryn for all the help, advice and support.
Producer: Okay...five minutes everyone! Spike! Come here! (the vampire approaches)
Spike: I just got out of make-up. What's up?
Producer: The station heads thought you'd be better served by having a co-host....
Spike: A co-host?
Producer: Yeah. Bring him out! (To Spike's surprise, Angel walks out)
Spike: You've got to be bloody kidding me!
Producer: The bigwigs thought that you and him had interesting chemistry on the Jerry Springer Show so they hired him. Don't worry though, he's agreed not to fight you or anything. You know, we need two different perspectives, and since you two are total opposites, we thought you'd be perfect together.
Spike: No way...I can't believe Angel agreed to this....
Producer: Well, technically we had to force him into it since he doesn't want to be in the same room with you either. He's on loan from Joss, thanks to a modest fee, and we get to use him everyday for two hours. Since you willingly agreed, such drastic measures didn't need to be taken with you.
Spike (sarcastically): I should count myself lucky then, huh? (Angel walks over to Spike)
Angel: I just want you to know that I don't like this anymore than you do.
Spike: I heard you were forced into it.
Angel: Bureaucratic bastards. So, what do you say? Put our personal differences aside for the greater good of the show?
Spike: I suppose...but I'm not too happy about this....(they shake hands)
Producer: Great.
Spike: I still don't understand why I need a co-host. The fact that it's Angel aside, I thought I was going to do a show like Jerry's....
Producer: Since Jerry's death every hack with a microphone has been out there trying to fill his shoes, the market is tapped. That's why we think you'd be better to be in a different genre.
Angel: Quit beating around the bush and tell us what the damn format you are going to use is....
Producer: Well, we were thinking something like "The View"....
Spike (interrupting): Do I look like bloody Barbara Walters?!
Angel: Well, in this light....
Spike: Bite me!
Angel: Is that any way to talk to your sire?
Producer (breaking up the argument): We think that if you offered your opinions on things, it would make for an interesting show. No one's ever gotten the views of a vampire before. We'll have features, and guests. It will be great. Now, get ready. We're on live...relatively...in three...just read the cue cards and you will do fine.
(Angel and Spike take their seats on stage and after a make-up check, the director gives them a cue)
Spike: Welcome to the show. I'm Spike.
Angel (interrupting): Also known as William The Bloody....
Spike(while glaring at Angel): With me as always, well, actually for the first time is Angel--Angelus, the scourge of Ireland, the....
Angel: You can stop now.
Spike: Turnabout is fair play...Anyway, welcome to the show... today...(He looks down at the cards) Today we'll have kids crafts with Shelly...what the bloody Hell?!
Angel: I think we're reaching for the housewife audience here.
Spike: When did we become the Martha Stewart Show?
Producer (mouthing the words softly): Just read the cue cards!
Angel: Actually, it's funny that you mention Martha Stewart....
Spike: No, don't tell me....
Angel: That's right. She's going to come on to teach us how to prepare that perfect dinner party.
Spike: I'm in Hell...but I guess you're used to it....
Angel (ignoring Spike): And we'll chat with our special guest, Anne Rice...Oh, great! This is just what we need! Could this get any worse? What could possibly make this more hellish than it already is?
Spike: And we'll have a surprise musical guest. But first, we need to take a commercial break.
Angel: Oh...consumerism. *That's* what could bring us to a still lower place....
(Fades to a commercial)
Producer: Guys, can't you at least try to make this work?
Spike: No! I bloody quit!
Producer: You can't quit!
Spike: Why not?
Producer: Because you're under contract! We own you! (he goes to hand Spike a copy of the contract but Angel intercepts it and starts to read it)
Spike: Well?
Angel: Well, Spike, I'm afraid he's right. They own you, your image, any sound bites of you...and your first born.
Spike: I don't see the last one being a problem....
Angel: Did you even read this?
Spike: Well, no....
Angel: Have two hundred years taught you nothing? I can't believe you signed it!
Producer: You signed a similar one.
Angel: I did no such thing!
Producer: Well, Joss signed it for you, actually...something about how since he created you that you're in his possession and he's your legal guardian....
Spike: So why did I sign mine and not Joss?
Angel: Because you were stupid enough to sign it without reading it!
Producer: Well, that's an oversimplification...but let's just say that if you had refused to sign then Joss would have taken control. But since you signed, we didn't have to revert to such measures.
Spike: Bloody bastard!
Angel: First, I'm going to rip his spleen out and put it in a jar on my mantle, then I'm going to call my lawyer and straighten this out.
Spike: Me too! Someone get my assistant to call my lawyer!
Angel: You get an assistant? I want an assistant!
Producer: Guys....
Spike: Don't start with me, Producer Boy....
Producer: Let's get through this show, then we'll talk contracts and format changes, all right? (the vampires growl in anger but decide to go along with it)
Stagehand: 5...4...3...2...
Spike: Welcome the bloody hell back. (reading the card) Let's look at the headlines for today.
Angel: Why bother? All of them are going to be about Clinton.
Spike: Bloody Americans! This is what you get with a democracy!
Angel: Please! Need I remind you of all the scandals the Royal Family has had? Clinton, the scum bag, doesn't even compare to them.
Spike: I take it you don't like the guy....
Angel: I think it's terrible!
Spike: Yeah...I'll say. If I had all the bloody power in the free world, I'd get me a super model, not some pudgy intern.
Angel: Your logic never ceases to amaze. What about the victims of this story? His wife and daughter and....
Spike: You always sympathize with the victims. You and that bloody soul, I swear....
Angel: Don't go there, Spike....
Spike: What? Ever since you've gotten your soul back, *again* I might add, you've been even more pathetic than you were before. You want to talk victims? Look at your pants! (Angel looks down at his leather pants) A cow died to make those! Talk about a victim! That cow gave it's life so you could look good. Now *that's* a victim!
Angel: I look *damn* good by the way. And it's not like they were made in a sweat shop by little five year old Guatemalan children like the clothes/clothing lines of another talk show host I could mention.
Spike: Okay, I'll give you that....
Angel: Can we wrap this up please? Next topic!
Spike: Russia?
Angel: I suppose you're going to defend Communism now and are going to say they would be better Communist.
Spike: Well, I'm not that much of a dolt, Angel. All I was going to say is that if they produced more vodka and invented more drinks that included vodka that they could sell to the world, it would be a much wealthier country....
Angel: Let's just get off politics--you'll never have an actual good idea or opinion about it. Let's move on.
Spike: Gladly. What's next on the agenda?
Angel: Crafts with Shelly...whatever that is.
Spike: I think I'd prefer politics.
Angel (ignoring him while looking at a cue card): It says here we'll be making popsicle stick birdhouses.
Spike: It's supposed to be some kind of activity that we can do with our kids or something....
Angel: Of course neither of us have kids...maybe Dru will want to make one.
Spike: I left her, remember?
Angel: Oh, yeah, then I guess there really is no point to us doing this, but let's bring out Shelly anyway. (A woman who looks like the total Martha Stewart wanna-be walks out) Welcome to the show, Shelly....
Shelly (who is far too bubbly): Thanks! It's so great to be here!
Spike (grumbling): You only think it's great because you didn't sign a contract giving away your first born....
Angel: Would you get off of it, Spike? Anyway, Shelly, why don't you show us, whatever it is you're going to show us.
Shelly: Gladly, Angel. (they walk to a table where all the necessary tools and things are sitting) Now, if you love birds as much as I do--
Spike (interrupting): We don't, just get on with it.
Shelly: Right. So this is an easy way to make a birdhouse out of popsicle sticks that your kids eat. First, wash them...(she giggles while Angel and Spike both roll their eyes)
Spike (in a very fake perky voice): Then what, Shelly?!
Angel: Jeez, Spike! If you're going to fake it, at least fake it well!
Spike (not quite so perky anymore): Oh, bite me, Angel. I'm pissed and until I get a call from my lawyer saying that this contract is one big misunderstanding, I'm going to stay pissed. Don't make me stake you to shut you up.
Angel (coaxing him): You and what stake? (Spike looks around and realizes he has no stake but decides to go for the next best thing. He quickly picks up a popsicle stick and attempts to drive it through Angel's heart. Of course, it doesn't work, but it does leave Angel just a little angry) You're dead, Peroxide Boy!
Spike: Bring it on, Soul Boy! (the two go at each other and a fight breaks out. As they are punching and kicking each other, the producer runs out in front of the camera)
Producer: Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!
(Fades to commercial)
Producer: Spike, Angel....(Notices that they are still fighting viciously) Hey! (the two vampires look up)
Angel: Oh, right...we were on the air when we did that....
Spike: Let's continue this fight at a later time, all right? Say, after the show? (Angel nods his head and they stand up. A few stagehands, and a couple of hair and make-up people come and primp and preen then until they look presentable once again)
Producer: Okay, we're almost on again. Try not to fight, okay?
Stagehand: 5...4...3...2....
Spike: Welcome back...I guess....
Angel: Next we're supposed to bring out Martha Stewart....
Spike: I say we skip that--we're vampires. We don't eat anything that's not plasma based so the idea of a dinner party is pretty much out.
Angel: Agreed...so let's move on to our special guest, Anne Rice.
Spike: Maybe we should have stuck with Martha.
Angel: Nonsense. I want to hear what she has to say and what could possibly justify how crappy her books have gotten lately.
Spike: Do I get to eat her?
Angel: As tempting as that is--save your appetite for Joss, who really deserves it after the crap he just pulled.
Spike: Yeah, Mate, what's up with that? Didn't Producer Guy say something about how Joss sold you to the studio for a few hours every night?
Angel: Yes! Apparently I'm like A to Z Rental over here!
Spike: At least you didn't sign your life away on a contract....
Angel: Joss did that stupid thing for me. He would have done the same for you too if you hadn't signed it first. It was a total Catch-22
Spike: Yeah, and the bloody....
Producer (quietly mouthing the words): Get on with it! Read the cue cards!
Spike: Oh, we're being told to quit bellyaching and move on. Bloody bastards, it's my show, I should get to complain as much as I want to. It's my show and I'll bitch if I want to!
Angel: I never thought I'd agree with Spike, but I say right on! But we should probably interview her so we can get this show over with....
Spike: Yeah, probably. (sigh) Okay, let's bring out Anne Rice. (she walks out in her typical wanna-be goth look. She takes a seat beside Angel, away from Spike)
Angel (through gritted teeth, err fangs): Nice to have you here, Anne.
Anne: Thank you. I never thought I'd be on a show with real vampires. It's quite exciting, I must say.
Angel (sweetly): Okay, now I have a question for you....
Anne: Go ahead, Angel.
Angel (not so sweet anymore): What *drugs* were you on when you wrote 'Memnoch' and did you share them with Joss?!
Anne: Joss? Who's Joss?
Spike: He's sort of the god of our little world. He's in charge, he's the head dude. He rented Angel here to the studio and sent him to Hell. Not at the same time, of course....
Angel: What the hell were you thinking when you wrote that book!? I know I'm speaking for the majority of your fans here!
Anne: I....
Angel: And while we're on the subject of your books, mind telling me what was going on in 'Interview?' Louis spends the majority of it in this massive brooding session, and I ask you, what does he have to brood about? He didn't kill people for pleasure, to see pain in their eyes and....
Spike: Oh, would you bloody stop it?! Brood one more time and I'm going to break your nose.
Angel: At which time I'll use your legs as a wishbone and put you back in that chair!
Producer (mouthing the words): Stop fighting!
Spike: Oh, right...I forgot, we weren't supposed to fight until after the show. Oops, I guess I was caught in the moment.
Angel: Anyway, Anne--(they look at the author, who appears to be a little disturbed) What are you doing next?
Anne: Well, I'm finishing a book right now.
Angel: That's nice, let's just hope you don't kill off anymore characters or bore us to death with this one, huh?
Spike: That wasn't very nice...deserved, but not very nice. So, Anne, I have a question. I liked the movie, "Interview With The Vampire," and I was wondering if there are plans to make any more of your books movies, and if so, can I play Lestat?
Angel: *You!?*
Spike: Yeah, why not? I'm blonde...I have the accent....
Angel: Thanks to that lovely invention; peroxide. And Lestat was French, you're British.
Spike: Oh, and Tom Cruise is a natural blonde from Paris? I'll let you in on something, Angel, he's not really blonde. And neither is your slayer bitch of a girlfriend! And I can fake an accent. You do! You speak like a bloody American, the only time you sound like an Irishman is when you're pissed.
Angel (in accent): Y' 're no' to speak of Buffy 'er again. Un'erstand?
Spike: I bloody told you; you speak in an accent when you're really, really pissed!
Angel (still in accent): I do no'!"
Spike: Point proven...(Angel growls)
Anne: Um, Spike, Angel? Aren't we going to talk about me?
Angel: Oh, right...sorry....
Spike: You interview her--I need a cigarette and a bite to eat.... (Spike walks off stage, the producer nor any other member of the crew attempts to stop him)
Angel: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a host walk off stage...I guess we should just cut to a commercial before it gets any worse.
(Fade to commercial)
Anne: Do you want me to stay for the next segment?
Angel: Oh, no...that's okay...really...you just go back to writing. (Anne walks off the stage as the producer approaches Angel)
Producer: You could have been nicer to her.
Angel: Considering how I feel about her writing as of late, I could have been a lot worse. Where's Spike?
Producer: Out back smoking a cigarette to calm down.
Angel: Understandable....
Producer: Look, since you cut the conversation with Anne short, you're going to need something to fill the time.
Angel: Well, I'm sure Spike and I can argue for half an hour, I wouldn't worry about that.
Producer: We were hoping for something a little more docile and a little less along the lines of Pay-Per-View wrestling. Maybe talk to the musical guests about their albums and tour to fill a little of the time? That and you definitely have to do the Martha Stewart segment to fill the time.
Angel: Yeah, fine. Say, did anyone call my lawyer yet? (Spike approaches) Did you call your lawyer?
Spike: No, I didn't have time between the cigarette and dinner. (Angel opens his mouth to comment but decides against it) I'll call next commercial break. Then we'll settle this and get out of these damn contracts.
(The vampires take their place on stage once again)
Stagehand: 5...4...3...2....
Spike: Welcome back to the show, or what's left of it anyway. I've smoked my cigarette, ate and am now ready to once again dive into the madness that this show has become.
Angel: Way to encourage the viewers, Spike.
Spike: Don't start with me, Angel.
Angel: Sorry. Anyway, let's bring out our surprise musical guests. (Angel looks down at the card in his hand) Oh, this is just great! We can't even have a decent musical guest! Apparently, our surprise musical guests are the Spice Girls... oh, wonderful! Just what we need! Who did the scheduling? How did we get Martha Stewart and the Spice Girls on the same show? Never mind, don't answer that, I don't want to know. Just stake me now!
Spike: Um...would those be the scantily clad girls who look like hookers?
Angel: Those would be them.
Spike: Um, Angel....(Spike leans over and whispers into Angel's ear. As he does, Angel's eyes grow huge)
Angel: You fed on them!? You ate the Spice Girls?!
Spike: I told you I was going for a cigarette and a bite to eat. I walked past their dressing room after my smoke and there they were.
Angel: Oh my....
Spike (interrupting): I was hungry!
Angel: Well, to be perfectly honest here, I'm morally torn. I'm torn between my love of decent music and my secret desire to have someone rip out their vocal cords and my soul that tells me that despite my personal hatred of them, it was still wrong....
Spike: I think I did humanity a service!
Angel: Why do I get the feeling we're going to end up on Celebrity Death Match?
Spike: Because we probably will.
Angel: Well, according to Producer Guy over there, we still have a lot of time to kill, pardon the pun, until the show is over. I guess we have to do the Martha Stewart dinner party thing to fill the time.
Spike: Fine, but I feel bloody stupid. I mean, when am I going to throw a dinner party?
Angel: Well, what else are we going to do for half an hour?
Spike: Bicker and argue?
Angel: The Producer Guy says we shouldn't do that. So, anyway, let's bring out Martha Stewart. (Martha walks out) Hello, Martha.
Martha: It's great to be here.
Angel: I take it you didn't hear what Spike here did to the Spice Girls then if you still think that being here is a good thing.
Martha: I was back in the green room preparing for my segment, I can't hear back there....
Angel: That's just as well. So, what do you have for us?
Spike: And it had better be good!
Martha: Well, I'm going demonstrate how to prepare a dinner party. Everything from the centerpiece to the main course.
Spike (sarcastically): Oh, goody!
Angel: Don't mind him...he's still upset about the whole contract fiasco. You would think that after eating as much as he did he would feel a little better, but no....
Spike: Oh, shut up! I didn't know they were our musical guests! They looked like Jerry Springer rejects--how was I to know they were actually guests!?
Producer (mouthing the words): Get on with the segment!
Martha: You ki-killed a guest?
Spike: Wellll....
Angel: Can we just continue with the segment? (Considering the recent revelation, Martha is too frightened of Spike to argue) So, Martha, tell us how to prepare a dinner party. (the trio walks to a table where all kinds of things are set up) First of all, what are we, and when I say we, I mean the mortals, not necessarily Spike and I, going to be eating?
Martha: Well, I'm going to be preparing prime rib....
Angel and Spike: Steak?!
Spike: Man, you must love irony, Martha.
Martha: Oh...oh! I didn't think...well, I've read Anne's books and I didn't think vampires could die by stake....
Angel: Well, Anne's an idiot. But we'll let that slide. What else, Martha?
Martha: And I'll also show you how to prepare everything from the table setting and centerpiece to the type of salad to serve.
Spike: Sounds action-packed. Let's try not to get too excited, I might bust an artery.
Angel (ignoring Spike): Okay, so what's first?
Martha: The entree. Now, the prime rib needs to be marinated...(she pulls out a prepared sample. As she does so, the vampires both move back, covering their noses and mouths)
Angel and Spike: Garlic!
Martha: Oh, my...my garlic and honey marinade? Anne's books said....
Angel and Spike: Anne's an idiot!
Martha: I'm sorry--I didn't know that my garlic marinade would effect you like this....
Angel: Let's just move on to something that doesn't involve garlic.
Martha: All right...well, if you want to learn how to prepare this steak and the marinade, just send check or money order for $19.95 to the address at the bottom of the screen and you'll get the recipe along with a lot of other helpful hints and yummy things to make.
Spike: I knew you were just a capitalist at heart.
Martha (ignoring that): Now, if you're going to have a dinner party you're going to want to use your best china, of course and the proper place mats and things. Now, I brought my Christmas settings....
Spike: Since it's like four months away we *really* should start bringing out the Christmas stuff....
Martha: I chose these lovely napkins and place mats in the traditional St. Nicholas pattern. Beautiful, aren't they?
Angel (trying to be polite and sound interested): Um, yeah...sure....
Martha: After the place mats and napkins comes the centerpiece. I brought my centerpiece that I use at Christmas. Angel, could you reach under there and get it? (Angel reaches under the table to get it. He holds it for about a second before dropping it to the ground and yelps in pain)
Angel: Ouch! (he holds up his hand, the shape of a cross is burned in)
Martha: Oh, my! I forgot that my Christmas centerpiece had a cross on it....
Angel: Let me guess...Anne again....
Martha: Wellll....
Spike: That's it! You've done enough damage! Get out!
Martha: What?
Spike: You heard me! The whole steak thing, we could let that slide. The garlic was really pushing it...but this whole cross thing is the final straw! Leave before I call security and bite you, not necessarily in that order! (Spike is clearly pissed so Martha makes a quick retreat so as not to end up like the Spice Girls) 'You okay?
Angel: I didn't know you were so protective of me, Spike.
Spike: I'm not! Don't flatter yourself. I just want you in good health when I kick your ass after the show. We did postpone that fight, remember? I want to kick your ass fair and square, not have some injury given to you by *Martha Stewart's centerpiece* give me an advantage. I know I can kick your ass, I don't want people saying the only reason I won was because of a centerpiece.
Angel: Once again, Spike, your logic never ceases to amaze me. Let's cut to commercial so we can figure out something else to do to fill the time since you kicked Martha Stewart off and killed the Spice Girls....
(Fade to commercial)
Producer: What the hell were you thinking, Spike? You kicked Martha Stewart off the show!
Spike: And she's bloody banned from now on, too. I'm surprised her silverware wasn't forged in holy water or that she didn't show us how to grow plants using a sunlamp.
Angel: Spike's got a point, and trust me, I'm going to wash my mouth out with soap for saying that. My hand still hurts! (he holds up his palm to show the burned in cross is still there and looking quite red and icky)
Producer: So, now that you've kicked off Martha, what do you plan on doing to fill the rest of the time, Spike?
Spike: No need to get snippy, Producer Boy.
Producer (quietly): I can do this...I can handle this...deep soothing breaths...remember your yoga lessons...in...out.... (normal speaking voice) I have an idea! I'll be back.
Angel: Wait! Are you going to be back before the commercial break is over?
Producer: No...just stall....
Spike: How?
Producer: I don't know! Sing showtunes...it works for Rosie....(he runs off, leaving the two vampires just staring at each other)
Angel: Producer Guy got an idea...that can't be good, can it?
Spike: This is the guy that booked Martha Stewart, Anne Rice and the Spice Girls. Do I even need to dignify that with an answer? (Angel shakes his head as they head back to their chairs onstage)
Stagehand: We're on in 5...4...3...2....
Spike: Ummm...welcome back. The truth is we were told to stall until our little weasel-like producer can come up with another guest or another segment or something.
Angel: We were told to sing showtunes, but I don't know many. Spike?
Spike: Nope. Musicals aren't my thing. Why can't we just run an infomercial for the Flow-Be or something?
Angel: Because that would be too easy. Just sing something.... (Spike thinks for a moment)
Spike (singing): Please allow me to introduce myself....
Angel: You're not going to sing "Sympathy for the Devil." I know that is just a pathetic attempt to piss me off because of the whole Hell thing, so you can just stop right there. (The producer runs onto the set) Oh, thank god, the weaselly producer is back.
Spike: And not a bloody moment too soon. (Angel is handed a card) Well?
Angel: It's gone from bad to worse. We should have stuck to showtunes. Our next guests are talk show hosts themselves. Please welcome, Regis and Kathie Lee.
Spike: Ack! How...why....?
Angel: Apparently they film on the next lot and they owe Producer Guy a favor. (Regis and Kathie Lee walk out and take their seats) Welcome to the show.
Spike: It's nice of you to pull our asses from the fire.
Kathie Lee (waving to the camera): Hello Cassidy, hello....
Spike (interrupting): Hey, hey! There will be none of that! You may like to psychologically traumatize your children on your show but I'll be damned twice over if I let you do it on my show!
Angel: Since when do you like kids, Spike?
Spike: I don't, but it's the principle.
Angel: Since when do you have principles?
Spike: Bite me...(Spike looks at the producer and sees him motioning for them to get one with the interview and stop arguing) So, how is the show going? Pretend I care.
Regis: Well, it's great. But that's because I have a great co-host.
Kathie Lee: Oh, Reg....
Spike: Oh, please!
Regis: So, how is your show going?
Angel: I believe the phrase is Hell in a handbasket. Spike here killed our musical guests and kicked off Martha Stewart.
Spike: I did the world a favor by killing the Spice Girls! Why am I the only one that sees that?
Kathie Lee: Well, if you still need a musical guest, I can sing....
Angel and Spike (a look of absolute terror on their faces): No!!!!
Kathie Lee: All right, but my fans really love my singing...and so do my kids.
Spike: Will you shut up about your damn kids already? As much as I sound like Angel's bitch of a girlfriend when I say this, there is nobody caring!
Angel: Would you stop insulting my girlfriend before I take you down on the pavement and kick your vampire ass? And at least my girlfriend isn't a big ho! (the producer frantically waves his hands to try and stop the fight) Oh, right, we're supposed to be on our best behavior...right....
Spike: Right...so, Kathie Lee, how are the sweat shops going?
Angel (aghast): Spike!
Spike: What? You commented on it before. I believe your words were something like: "At least my clothes weren't made in a sweat shop by little seven year old Mexican children."
Angel: It was five year old Guatemalan children...and I didn't mean it personally. You were insulting me and I felt obligated to defend myself and that was all I could come up with. I didn't mean it to be taken personally by Kathie Lee!
Spike: I mean it personally! I want to know if you've exploited any kids lately, Kathie.
Kathie Lee: Listen, Mister, you can insult me, and say I'm not pretty and say I am untalented....
Spike: That goes without saying....
Kathie Lee: But when you say I don't like children....
Regis (trying to avert an argument that looks like it's about to start brewing between Kathie Lee and Spike): So, Angel, do you golf?
Angel (catching the drift and trying to sound friendly): No, I've never--(he is quickly interrupted by Spike)
Spike (determined to fight with Kathie Lee): So, Kathie, how's the husband doing? Has he cheated on you lately?
Angel and Regis: Ugh oh....
Kathie Lee: Well, I never! I cannot believe that you--(she stops mid-sentence and gets up and walks off stage)
Angel: Good one, Spike! So, are there any other members of the entertainment community you haven't killed or alienated yet?
Spike: I never liked her anyway. Reg, I gotta tell you, you'd be much better off if you found another co-host.
Kathie Lee (from off stage): Regis! Come on, Regis! (Regis glances at the two vampires and then walks off stage and over to Kathie Lee like an obedient little dog. The pair then leave the studio)
Angel: Great, Spike. Just wonderful! You know, I understand the dissing of Anne Rice and even the killing of the Spice Girls, but was that really necessary?
Spike: Okay, granted, Regis didn't deserve it, but she did. I just said what America's been wishing it could say to her for years. Besides, I'm sure that Producer Boy will send her a fruit basket and a letter of apology.
Angel: Quick, let's just run the credits and put on a long commercial for the Psychic Network.
Spike (with an evil grin): Thanks for watching. We'll see you tomorrow--maybe.
(The credits roll and then one of those long 15 minute commercials starts to run)
Angel: What was that about, really?
Spike: I decided that if I'm stuck in a crappy contract I should sabotage the show a little. Besides, Kathie Lee deserved that and more! I never liked her and her wholesome goody-two-shoes image.
Angel: Oh, my god....
Spike: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my bloody lawyer and see if this contract has any loopholes.
Angel: When you call your lawyer, Spike, I'd ask him to represent you in a quadruple homicide.
Spike: Huh?
Angel: Spike, you've killed the idols of millions of stupid teenage girls. You can't expect there to be no backlash and no charges filed. You better have a damn good lawyer.
Spike: I'll get Johnny Cochran. If the fangs don't fit, you must acquit! (Angel groans as Spike walks away)
Angel: What a night! (He sees the producer banging his head against a wall) Um...Mr. Producer Guy...I'm going to go home, is that okay? (His response comes in the form of three really loud bangs) Okay, see you tomorrow....(Angel walks out of the studio and off the lot)
The End
Author's Note: I'd like to apologize to the following people: The Angel and Spike fans, the Martha Stewart fans, the Anne Rice fans, Regis and Kathie Lee fans, lawyers, television producers, democrats, Russians, and (hesitantly) the Spice Girls fans. Also, to anyone else I might have offended, I'm sorry.
If you are one of the few people I didn't offend and you liked this, let me know.