Disclaimer: I owe nothing. blah blah blah. I own the words,
not the characters.
Rating: Pg-PG13
Author's Note: I don't think it turned out too well. If you think different,
please, let me know. I've had a bad day, and some feedback would be appreciated.
In fact, I'd probably frame it, my day was so bad. Anyway, I don't usually write
this kind of stuff as you'll find out when you read it, and I suck at writing
first person. Anyway, I'll let you make up your mind.
December 25, 2004
Christmas used to mean something to me when I was younger. It used to be a time of cheer and a time of love. The minute I changed, all of that was lost. I no longer cared what day it was, except if I was hunting a victim. I shudder at the memories of what I used to do with my victims. I would play with them, sometimes turn them insane before I killed them. Drusilla was the worst, but I won't go into that, That's another story. I would have never thought that innocence would return to the Christmas's that I lived. But then I met Buffy.
Buffy. That name is music to my ears. Her name fills my thoughts every waking moment. Everytime I hear her name, a gust of happiness courses through me. But it is soon replaced by a heart-breaking sadness. I broke her heart, I know. The day I left, I know she started to fall.
I remember when I heard the news. It struck me deep in my soul. You would think that the day my soul returned, I would never harm or kill an innocent. I did. I blame myself for her death. Everyone told me not to, but you know it's true. I was the one that killed her. If I had stayed and loved her, she would still be here. It's all my fault, and I know it.
Giles told me that her last words were her declaration of love for me. For me? Why? Did I deserve it? No, I didn't. God, she loved me, she once told me, from the minute that she met me. She shouldn't have. I'm nothing but a monster. She made me feel human. The night I lost my soul was because I felt alive for the first time in over two hundred years. She accepted me. She shouldn't have. I was her death, I was the one that would make the all mighty Slayer die. So do you think I deserved her love now? If you do, there has to be something wrong with you.
Anyway, two days after her death, I got a letter in the mail. It was from her. It shocked me, and I began to cry even before I had opened it. Here's what it said.
My Dearest Angel,
I know by now you know that I am dead. Please, do not mourn for me. I needed to do it. I couldn't go on living this way. When you left, you took my heart. The day you left, I closed myself from everybody. I know you never found out how I was doing because you never bothered to find out.
Did you stop loving me? No, I don't think you did. You did what you thought was right. You thought that by leaving me, I would move on and find someone else. How stupid can you be? If I can't have you, I won't have anyone. You're all I want, all I dream about.
The day that you left, I felt a depression swallow me. Everyday, it got worse and worse. I felt myself be dug deeper and deeper into a pit of dispare. No one noticed, though. They all thought I was fine. You were the only who noticed when something was wrong. You were the only one I let inside.
Do you remember that Christmas last year? The one on the hilltop? Remember how I told you that we could fight together? I didn't mean demons, I meant us. I kew that we would be our own death. Don't ask me why, I just knew. I needed you here to help me fight myself, just like I was there to help you fight yourself.
Ten minutes until I say good bye forever. I just wanted you to know, Angel , that I forgive you. I forgave you the minute after you said you were leaving, and after you left. Can't you see it, Angel? I love you so much, that you could stomp all over me again and again, and I'd still forgive you. I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop. Tell me you feel the same?
Well, the time hss come. You want to know something? I'm not scared. I knew that this was how I was going to die. I better be going. Remember that I love you, Angel. Keep that with you. I know we'll see each other again someday.
Always,
Buffy
I didn't want the letter to end. I thought that if she kept talking, that I could go save her. I was wrong.
It's been a year since her death. She plunged a stake through her heart. Now it's my time. For the first time in over two hundred years, I'm going to see the sunrise. Like Buffy, I'm not scared. I finally forgive myself. She was the one that helped me do that, and I'll once again be reunited with her. I'm a little anxious.
Finally, the sun is coming up. I can feel the warmth of it's rays fill my cold body. It's so beautiful. It reminds me of Buffy.
**
Angel's last words as his ashes were spread through the wind were his devotion to Buffy. That he would always love her.
Together, in heaven, two souls were once again joined. Together, they would live eternally in each other's arms.
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